Slacker City

I know I've been delinquent on the scoring of the gurus. I've fallen behind, Jeremy is MIA and work actually decided to give me something to do. I'll try to at least get the grades up for my guys from the past few weeks by sometimes this afternoon. I'll have a couple drinks in my by then making the number crunching and stat finding not quite as monotonous. Hopefully that will be enough to appease the masses.

Any skins fans going to the funeral on Monday?

Sean Taylor

Sean Taylor died this morning. The second NFL defensive secondary player to die this year by gunfire (Darrent Williams being the other back in January).

Sticking to the number, Sean had little impact on the fantasy world. In leagues with IDP's, I doubt he was played, much less owned. Only participating in 9 games this year, he amass 5 interceptions and one fumble recover to go along with 42 tackles. When on the field he played well, his five interceptions were tied for the NFC lead, yet that all seems insignificant now.

I don't want to get into too much social commentary here but the fact remains that there are some pretty fucked up places and situations in this world. Whatever evidence ends up coming out about how he died, the incontrovertible truth is that another young black man died senselessly before his time.

In 2005, 269 individuals were homicide victims in Baltimore City. In 2006 that number rose to at least 272. Considering the city is primary black, especially in the areas with high concentrations of violence, that's basically a black person getting killed once every 36 hours. Additionally, Miami's homicide count for 2003 was 74 - two and a half times the national average. Miami is about half the size of Baltimore for comparison. The point is that crime in America's cities has reached epidemic levels claiming the lives of countless people, innocent and not.

Not to minimize the lose of Sean in any way, but how many other possible pro athletes, musicians, artist, writers and doctors have we lost, do we lose, on a daily basis at the hands of violence on our city streets? How much more potential will be snuffed out by a hand gripping a 9mm? How long will suburbanites living their relatively secluded lives ignore the problems across the tracks? What's happening to America's black youth is nothing short of tragic. Perpetuated by a culture that glorifies the violent activities that should be shunned and put down, black society is quickly turning on itself, self destructing with no one willing to take a stand for what's right. Gangs, guns and drugs rule the streets of impoverished inner city neighborhoods. There is no law except their law, no justice other than what they perceive to be right according to the code of the street.

Politicians and law maker promise every year in Baltimore City to reduce the murder rate and make the streets safer, but every year the homicide rate increase, the poor continue their decent into abject poverty and the gangs take over more and more territory, recruiting young and impressionable kids who feel thug life is their only way out. For every one success story, there are a hundred failures. You'd think City officials would look to improve schools, install programs to discourage youth enrollment in gang elements, help the impoverished earn a living wage and increase the police presence to squash further gang activity. Instead, they choose to maintain the status quo citing budgetary restrictions - nothing changes and nothing improves. How much is the next generation worth? Apparently, in their eyes, not enough to actually shell out some cash.

So what will come out of this microcosm we have in the form of Sean Taylor? Maybe awareness with be raised, maybe the local Miami city government will make some concessions, addressing the city's crime problem. But, if they're anything like Baltimore, I doubt it. As much as I hate to say it, maybe Kayne was right. But instead of just George Bush not caring about black people, I think it's more accurately all politicians - black, white, other or both. These are the people who should be fighting for the downtrodden, the little guy, the people who lacks the ability to represent themselves. But today's political scene isn't conducive to it. The poor inner city black vote is an important one to have, but one government leaders are unwilling to work for. The traditional inner city democratic voting line has hand cuffed the black poor and silenced their voice. No one's going to pay for it if you give it away for free.

I wish I could recommend some person or party they could vote for - a representative for their needs and an unrelenting fighter for justice - but there is none. The Republicans would take their vote and run with, just like the Democrats do. The truth is, no one in a position of power is looking out for their interests. So what do they do?

Sean's shooting is simply further evidence of the state of unrest in our cities. I used a lot of Baltimore references because that's what I know. It's were I live. But this truly is a national epidemic. The question then becomes, how many more NFL players, fathers, sons and brothers have to die before something is done? I guarantee Sean won't be the last. There may be a war going on in Iraq, but a bigger war takes place on the streets of every major American city everyday.

Maybe This is What the Native Americans Felt Like

Last post was a bit of a rant, so I've decided to liven things up and put on a cheerful face in light of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. And in that spirit I decided to make a list of the fantasy football goings on I'm most thankful for to date this year.

1) Injures - Of 16 draft picks in a certain Yahoo! league this year, 8 dealt with injures of varying degrees thus far. Some were season ending like Deuce McAllister and some were just a few weeks, like Deion Branch, Alge Crumpler, Shaun Alexander, Marc Bulger and Ben Watson. Still others lost there starting spots like Chester Taylor. Yet all fucked me over in their own regard. I understand injuries are part of the game but this year's been insufferably ridiculous. Hopefully I've got it all out of my team's systems. I'm sick of playing Mike Furrey and Kyle Boller.

2) Shitting the Bed - I want to take the time to personally thank Frank Gore, Shaun Alexander, Marvin Harrison, Marc Bulger, Drew Brees, Steven Jackson and Larry Johnson. Whether I drafted you or not, you've all had a huge impact on making this year one of the most fucked up on record. Thanks for being high draft picks and rewarding your owners with absolutely jack shit. Thanks for taking the the draft spots that we might have used on Tom Brady or Randy Moss. Thanks for proverbially ripping our nuts off and shoving them down our collective throats. Thanks for not pulling any punches and screwing us from the very beginning. Thanks for making our hopes fleeting, not building us up for the inevitable fall and keeping us firmly planted on rock bottom. You all deserve the congressional medal of honor for sucking ass. I just want you to know, like the girlfriend that cheated on us in high school, we'll never trust you again.

3) Brian Billick - Thanks for being the biggest douchbag in NFL coaching-dumb. If Dr. Seuss had written a children's story about you it would have been called The Prick Who Stole Christmas. Thanks for being all the self-righteous pompous asshole you could be. I know its hard work looking like a moron all the time, but thanks to your tireless efforts, you've effectively run a once proud superbowl winning team into the ever-loving shithole. Thanks for blaming the media for all your short comings, for being an offensive genius and for sticking your thumb up ass of every Baltimore Ravens fan. When the prince of darkness comes to collect your soul, I hope he's anything but gentle.

4) Eric Karabell - We've been together for years. I've turned to you for advice in times of need and you've never asked a thing of me. For all intents and purposes, from my point of view, it was the perfect relationship. That was until I read your preseason advice not to worry about wide receiver in the draft, to build depth at running back and work from there. Of all the years I could have listened to you, this had to be the one. The fucking year ruled by the wide out. What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? Christ almighty, you couldn't have been more wrong. Now I've got don't-kill-yourself books on my coffee table and sure they're not mine but I might have glanced at them. Hillbilly! White trash!

5) Draft Strategy - I might as well have saved my time researching players and teams and putting all the info into spreadsheets and cheatsheats. I could have been doing something more productive like punching myself repeatedly in the groin or giving my manhood a jacob's ladder. I'm glad I drafted all those piece of shit running backs like Cedric Benson. What else would I have to curse myself later about? Next year my preparation will consist of shitting in my hand and making fecal cave paintings on the draft room walls.

6)Bullshit Trades - I want to take a moment to thank all those people that made a bonehead trade this year, since as of the trade deadline tomorrow you won't be able to make anymore. And I'm not talking about trades that didn't work out because of one thing or the other. I'm talking the heinous trades people make where you click on them and think to yourself, What kind of brain damaged mongoloid proposed this ludicrousness. Before we forget, let's not fail to mention the idiots that let these things go through. Everyone has their own opinions on trades but sometimes you'll see something that even Lindsay Lohan would know wasn't kosher like the dick she just got off.

7) My Gut - Although I haven't failed too often in giving others advice, when it comes to listening to my own instincts I've sucked balls this year. I've been wrong in drafting and setting my lineups this more times than I care to admit. In the immortal words of John Cusack's character Rob in High Fidelity, "I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains". As for what to do about that, I'm still working on it.

8) All our Fantasy Gurus - You have to be thankful for them because they've been so damn accurate up to this point. I'm sure you're all winning your leagues thanks to there infallible predictions. I sure as shit know that I am and I owe it all to their immaculate skills. Napoleon Dynamite would be proud.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Head Meets Wall

As with everything else in life, fantasy football requires a bit of luck. You do your research and try to draft the right people, pickup the right people, start the right people. You pray that the guy you're playing that week doesn't blow up and have everyone on his team score 20 points a piece. You hope that when you have a bad week, your opponent has a worse one. No matter how much prep work we do, in the end it all comes down to luck.

So, I'm not sure what I did to the gods or karma or what-the-fuck-ever but my luck has been nothing short of shitty lately. I've worked all year to put together teams that win; teams that score points, teams that have depth. I've built and rebuilt and rebuilt again and again following injuries or poor play. I've made trades, picked up free agents and snagged guys off the waiver wire all in hopes of weekly victory that just isn't coming.

I'm so fucking frustrated I'm losing my goddamn mind. The past three weeks, arguably the most important for my season, I've played the top teams in each respective league and put up points against them, only to lose each time because some player they have goes off and sets an NFL record. It's fucking bullshit.

What did I do? Did I bite the head off a fuzzy little puppy? Did I unknowingly run over a baby with a monster truck? Did I Cleveland steamer my wife? The answer is no. Of course not. So what the fuck is going on? Can I please for the love of God get a little fucking luck over here? Is that really too much to ask? I'm fighting for my playoff life for Christ's sake. Just give me an effing break, dammit.

I'm not looking at anything having to do with fantasy today. I'm forcing myself to take a break for my own sanity. I need to calm down, catch my breath and get myself back to neutral, lest I go on a murderous rampage. I can see it now:

Judge - Son, why did you kill all those people?
Me - Because, sir, my fantasy teams were shitting the bed. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Judge - Oh. That's understandable.

Fuck! Things better turn themselves around by tomorrow. I'm probably not watching the game tonight. Someone let me know how it turns out.

The R&B Shuffle

The injury merry-go-round still seems to be spinning, pulling in running back after running back and spitting out nothing but piles of mangled flesh. I feel like I'm trapped in a fantasy football version of As the World Turns where all the shitty actors have been replaced by football players and each successive week the plot lines get stranger, unwittingly more stupid and less likely to happen. But this is reality, isn't it?

Last week, LJ went down with what was reported to be foot sprain. Spin doctor jargon to say the least. I hope no one was biting when they held LJ's undefined starting status in front of us like a carrot, giving us the hope that we may actually be able to field a team that week, then snatched it away at the last second. At least this week they were kind enough to rule him out before the waiver wire opened up. But it makes last week's dog and pony show that much more infurriating. You think he had a better shot at playing last week than this week? Fuck no! Let's be men and call an apple an apple.

It's time to face the fact that LJ is really hurt and it couldn't have come at a worse time. I mean, reports earlier this week said that the swelling had just begun to go down. I've had a few (ha!) injuries in my day and I'll tell you, body parts don't stay swollen for over a week unless: a) you've broken a bone or b) you really torn apart some muscle and sinew - we're talking ligaments and tendons and all the fun stuff. Look how long it took Deion Branch to come back from his foot injury, assuming he plays this week. Or how long Kevin Jones had to sit out at the beginning of the season while recovering from foot surgery - a surgery which is apparently back to bothering him. Anyone remember a certain one year removed MVP's craptacular 2006? Another victim of the foot. Feet are fickle that's all there is to it. Ankles might be worse, but I'm not convinced.

The LJ injury paved the way for your great grandfather, Priest Holmes, to take the reigns and, honestly, I thought he performed fairly well. All of the fantasy sites (ESPN, Yahoo! and CBS) had him grading out high, which was ridiculous pipe-dreaming. What the hell did they think was going to happen? The dudes got three inches of dust to knock off - that's going to take a little time. I was just happy he got 20 carries and didn't fumble the ball. Sure, the six or seven fantasy points he put up weren't game changing but at least they were something.

I expect that he does better this week. Brody Croyle is starting and the Chiefs are going to try establishing the run to protect him. That means at least 20 to 25 carries for Priest and hopefully a couple of catches after they go down by too much and start airing it out. I'm not saying he's a great play against a fast Indy defense, but I don't think 100 combine yards is out of the question. Will he get the goal line carries? Will the Chiefs get to the goal line? That's anybody's guess.

Onto the newest flavor of the week, Chester Taylor. At least he'll be well rested. And a good matchup against the much maligned Oakland Raiders could mean a productive start, rewarding those who've picked him up and have the balls to start him. But outside of this weekend, I'm not buying. We've seen that show before pre-Peterson. Nothing has changed since opening day - the quarterback position is still a toss up, the wide receivers are pedestrian and the offensive line is league average. Adrian Peterson is a beast; an injury-prone beast to be sure, but a beast all the same. You could have put him on any team and he would have re-written history. Peterson was that team's confidence, their swagger - the intangible. As cliche as it's becoming to say, with Berman spouting it every Sunday and Monday, he is the Vikings "x-factor". Without him, they'll return to their defense-can-keep-us-in-it-for-a-while losing selves. Like solar systems, teams without a star die. Chester going to be right there along for the slow ride to the bottom.

Speaking of long rides to the bottom, it looks like the A-train is scheduled to return to service this week. Anyone want to take that ride through Pat-D town? Yeah, I thought not.

Review: Week 8 - Sit on My Face

Well, it looks like Jamey's cream is finally rising to the top. Wait. That sounded really gay. Let me start over.

Jamey's has really been coming up lately, making the hard plays and going deep. Shit!

As it turns out, there's no easy way to say this, so like you might do with a band aid maybe we should do this quick. It might hurt for a second but it's better than prolonged suffering. I'm official recommending that you listen to Jamey in regards to fantasy football advice for the foreseeable future. However, if he tells you it's a good idea to take your clothes off and join him in the bedroom, feel free to disregard that suggestion.

The numbers don't lie, Jamey has been on fire. For week 8 he picked at a 63% success rate overall and if you don't take tight ends into account (by far his worst category of the past week) he nailed 28 out of 38 picks. That's 74% right. Pretty impressive - as much as I don't like to admit it. Plus, the past two weeks he was over 3.0 in a tough scoring system and now he's following that up with a 2.8. Who the hell is this guy and what have they done with Jamey? If there's one thing all good fantasy players know, it's to ride the hot hand. Jamey is hot, let's see where it goes. If he takes us to a dark gooey place, I'm going to be so fucking pissed.

Overall Scores:

Jamey: 2.8
Ron: 2.6
Brad: 1.8

Flopfest 2007

Jamey-palooza:

Just because you have a couple good weeks doesn't mean there won't be some embarrassing picks strewn in with all the good ones. As I alluded to early, this was not the week for Jamey when it came to picking Tight Ends. In fact, every one of his start 'em picks - Heath Miller, Jeremy Shockey, Kyle Brady and Donald Lee - shit the bed. If he had switched the start 'em for the sit 'em, he would have done much better. We've seen the whole signals crossed thing from these guys before so let's move on.

Jamey's worst pick of the week would have to be starting Laveranues Coles. For most owners I know, 1 point off 13 receiving yards against the leagues worst passing defense isn't going to get it done. I have to admit, I started him too. It had nothing to do with Jamey saying so but I still lost miserably that week.

Ron's World:

Just for reference, Ron started Mr. Coles as well, subsequently receiving an "F" from me for the pick. But at least Jamey and myself weren't alone.

Expounding on the wide receiver thing, week 8 Ron decided, mostly on the prompting of an elf named Steve, that sitting Marques Colston would be a good idea. Those of us with Steve experience know to ignore him when he make these kind of asinine suggestions. Ron, apparently not well acquainted with Steve, ended up sitting the highest scoring wide receiver of the week. When you're only picking four guys to sit out of the hundreds of WR's that play each week, it has to be difficult to pick the one that is going to do the best that week. He deserves some kind of prize don't you think? Something like a swift kick to the balls.

Brad Mania!:

Brad, the lovable loser we all knew from high school, continued to dig an even deeper hole this week. Between starting Vincent Jackson, who didn't record a stat, and Amaz Battle, who got a whopping two points, it was a rough week.

I mean, Brad provided me with so much material it's almost not fair. Sitting Brett Favre and Joseph Addai. The same Joseph Addai who lead all running backs in fantasy scoring for the week. The poor guys in a serious rut. If this keeps up I'm downgrading him from "guru" to "the guy Yahoo! pays to make bad picks". Trust me, it's not a distinction you want to have, unless they are a couple zero's behind a number accompanying his pay check. If that's the case, sign me up.

The Breakdown:

Brad Evans

Good Calls: 5
Bad Calls: 6

Jamey Eisenberg

Start 'em Picks:
Start of the Week - C
QBs - B+
Running Backs -A
Wide Receivers - B+
Tight Ends - F

Sit 'em Picks:
Sit of the Week - A
QBs - A
Running Backs - A
Wide Receivers - A
Tight Ends - D

Ron Anish

Quarterbacks: B- (2.9)
Running Backs: B- (2.9)
Wide Receivers: C+ (2.5)
Tight Ends: C (2.1)

Billick Bites the Heads Off Babies

I did the grading for week 8 (hold the applause) today and I'll have the review up tomorrow. I'll hopefully also get a chance to do week 9's grading and publish said review later this week.

The good news is I should have more time now, as I've put the kibosh to the whole Nanowrimo deal. Instead I decided that I'd like to have some semblance of a life - something if haven't gotten to experience much in the past few months because of the marathon training. And speaking of which, if I'm going sub-3 on the next one (Fredrick, the first week of May in case you were wondering) I've got to train longer and harder. So, after a week of sitting on my ass, eating everything in sight and drinking an uncouth amount of beer, I'm back to running, if only to maintain my current level for a couple of months. It'll basically be 25-30 miles a week till the actual training regiment kicks in after New Years, meaning I should have plenty of time for the site.

Also, because individual reviews are probably just as boring to read as they are to write, I'm going to continue to group my three guys into one review from now on. I know I said I wasn't going to do that, but it's really hard to make that shit interesting when it's just one guy. I seriously doubt anyone will be complaining and it will leave me more time to put up opinion pieces, after which you can metaphorically rip me limb from limb with a verbal stomp-fest. Jeremy has been doing one review a week the entire time and look how happy and well adjusted he is. I only hope for a tenth of the man chowder he's got.

In news actually somewhat related to football, I'd like to express publicly for the first time that I am ashamed to be a Ravens fan. There were times in the past when I thought I was about to go over the precipice but ended up being pulled back, mostly thanks to our defense. This time, however, there's nothing keeping me from hitting rock bottom.

My mangled and mutilated hopes and dreams don't feel much like sugar-coating, so I'll just come out and stay it: I fucking HATE Billick! I was thinking of starting a firebillick.com like website in the same vane as www.firecoachnicksaban.com. Anyone out there agree? Think it would be a good idea? Let me know because I'm all about it.

Review: The Whole Bunch - Week 7 - Slacker City

I'm really trying not to make this a common occurrence, though my actions over the last two weeks would beg to differ. My time lately has been taken up by marathon recovery - a condition that makes finding the energy to breathe difficult, much less anything else. And now, starting today, I'm heading into a month long writing "competition" - Nanowrimo. I know what you're thinking, Ray, you suck at writing. To which I would answer: I know, but the competition has nothing to do with quality, so I might be OK. Somehow, I've been cursed with the need to constantly be involved in something. Unfortunately, I lack the focus, dedication, whatever to master anything. I'm the most mediocre jack-of-all-trades ever.

I promise I'll still make time for you - the three people who come to this site, Jeremy excluded - but my reviews might be less than stellar for a while. Or you could argue they've always been less than stellar and now they're turning into complete crap. Anything's possible, I suppose.

A Quick Overview:

Out of no where, Jamey Eisenberg's posted back to back 3+ weeks. The only explanation is the switch of his CBS Sportline picture from a candid shot to the new glamor shot he's got up. Oo-la-la. Either that, or maybe he's just rounding into form. The old Gypsy woman with all the cats told me that would never happen, so I'm discounting the latter.

Ron Anish, Mr. Average-and-Steady, continues to be both average and steady. He's holding the highest per week average - tied with Jamey at 2.3 - but hasn't been out of the low to mid 2's since the beginning of the season. He's picking at a rate of slightly better than 60%, taken on a good call/bad call system, which makes him just a little better at this shit than your average guy. So far, you've got about as good a chance picking which ones Ron is going to get right and wrong as you do starting the right guys on your team. I wish he'd either really excel one week or fall flat on his face, just so I'd know what to do with him.

Brad Evans, on the other hand, continues his see-saw ride to mediocrity, posting a 1.9 this week after three straight weeks of 2+ performance. If the current trend continues, he should be in the shit for another week, then start bouncing back. I hope no one used him as a guide in week 8. It's midseason and really these inconsistencies should have worked themselves out by now. Going to Brad for advice is like playing Russian roulette. Good luck and I hope you don't have a weak stomach.

Brad Evans

Overall Grade: C- (1.9)
Good Calls: 5
Bad Calls: 6

Jamey Eisenberg

Overall Grade: B (3.1)
Start 'em Picks:
Start of the Week - B+
QBs - A
Running Backs -B+
Wide Receivers - B+
Tight Ends - A+

Sit 'em Picks:
Sit of the Week - C
QBs - B-
Running Backs - A
Wide Receivers - F
Tight Ends - A

Ron Anish

Overall Grade: C+ (2.2)
Quarterbacks: D+ (1.3)
Running Backs: B- (2.8)
Wide Recievers: C- (1.8)
Tight Ends: B- (2.9)

Week 8 review hopefully coming tomorrow if I can find a second at work.