One-wrist bandit

With my left arm bent at a precarious angle, I bring you a very abridged version of this week's review. Hopefully I get a normal cast (or no cast at all) on Monday, and I'll be back to typing like normal. Apologies all around for the tardiness and brevity.

Quick refresher. Numbers in parentheses (#/#) represent Karabell and Engel's rankings for this week. One loyal reader seems to struggle with that concept.

And a quick thought. Why is Reggie Bush on Yahoo's "Can't Cut" list. He didn't have a huge fantasy season last year, he hasn't done anything this year. I understand he's a name with a lot of hype, but he hasn't done anything that should keep him on that list.

The Good
Nice job not putting Drew Brees in top 25 QBs this week. Looks like you can teach monkeys to do more than put the same list together week after week.
WR Randy Moss (5/5) - Third straight big fantasy week. Finally some love from the gurus.
RB Brian Westbrook (4/4) - #2 scorer in fantasy last week
QB Donovan McNabb (5/8- Props to Karabell for seeing the high-offense potential of Detriot-Philly
WR Roy Williams (10/8)
WR TJ Houshmanzilly (7/6)
TE Antonio Gates (1/1) - Doing what the #1 fantasy TE is supposed to do.
PITT defense (4/4) - #3 scoring fantasy D this week
Dallas D (9/20) - Nice work Karabell. #1 scoring D.

The Bad
WR Steve Smith (1/1) - 10 yards receiving. 6 yards rushing. Not good for fantasy.
QB Ben Roethlisberger (9/8) - Only 160 yards and a score. First week looking like an abberation.
QBs Peyton Manning (1/1), Carson Palmer (2/2) - Both had less points than Kurt Warner,
RB Shaun Alexander (2/6) - Now he has a broken bone in his wrist. Stay away. My Niners take control of the NFC West this weekend.
RB Rudi Johnson (9/5) - Reliable Rudi is nicked up. Be careful in week 4.
RB Ladanian Tomlinson (1/1) - >100 total yards, 1 score. Not what anyone is expecting from #1 pick. Norv Turner kills teams as head coach.
Chicago D (2/2) - 34 points to the Cowboys on national television. Ouch.

The Ugly
WR Kevin Curtis (34/30) - #1 scorer in fantasy this week, who else is going to catch the ball in Philly?
RB Ronnie Brown (30/25) - #2 scoring RB. Jets D is not that good, he should have been higher
QB Joey Harrington (NR/NR) - #5 scoring QB. Bad teams have to pass. That means yards, which equal points.
WR Roddy White (NR/NR) - See Harrington, Joey
RB Marion Barber III (21/26)
TE Jason Witten (6/13) - Shame on you Engel. He had a huge week 1, and with Romo tossing the rock he is a solid TE, easily top 10 every week.

This week's kicker report
Top 3 ranked guys by our prognosticators:
Karabel: Vinatieri (finished 5th in points), Akers, Elam
Engel: Vinatieri, Graham, Akers
Top 3 fantasy scorers: Matt Stover (6/10), Sebastian Janikowski (NR/NR), Jeff Reed (10/9)
And another whifffff at the kicker position.

OK thats it, once the wrist is better I'll be back to my rambling self.

The Grades
Karabell: B
Engel: D+
Both missed on big names. Everyone is missing on big names this year. But Karabell had some nice tidbits with Dallas D, McNabb, Whitten. So he sucked less than Engel, and gets rewarded for it.

Putting it to the Masses

I've got a bit of a quandary I hope someone out there in internet land can help.

The problem is this: I've got Brett Favre (vs. Vikings), Matt Hasselbeck (vs. 49ers), and Eli Manning (vs. Eagles) all on the same team. So who do I start this week?

Each has a favorable matchup, is predicted to do big things this weekend and has an excellent track record verse their competitors. Your probably thinking it's a good problem to have and I'd agree with you. The thing is, my team is 0-3 so far and I need as many points out of the QB position as I can get to make up for the lack of production across the board from the other positions. So even if they all have a good week, I need to pick the guy who goes off.

Who's it going to be?

Favre
Hasselbeck
Lil' Manning

Let me know in the comments.

Climb on My Backs for a Piggy Back Ride

When I was a kid, something like 6 or 7, my mom used to sing me a bedtime song at it went something like this:

Where have all the running backs gone, long time passing?
Where have all the running backs gone, long time ago?
Where have all the running backs gone?
Gone to graveyards, everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?

Ok, so maybe it didn't go exactly that way, but I was a little kid. I can't be expected to quote every word my mother said verbatim.

Either way, she was right and way ahead of her time; some twenty years in fact. So, what the hell is going on this year? My mom foresaw the problem, but what's the resolution?

If you're in a Yahoo! league, head over and sort the list of players by fantasy points. If you're not in a Yahoo! league, I'm sorry, I don't know what kind of system they have set up to view stats but I'm sure they have something. What you'll see when you do is nothing short of laughable. In standard scoring leagues, Tony Romo is the top fantasy points earner. I know you saw all this coming, but me, I'm a little awestruck. Furthermore, scrolling down, the first running back you come to is Brain Westbrook, occupying the fifth spot. I like Brian, he's good at what he does and my mother was briefly going to name me Brian but changed her mind. We've got a lot in common, most notably that neither of us should be the top fantasy running back. And yet, Brian seems to want to defy convention.

Continuing our little running back safari, we find the next rock hauler sitting at number 10. He said his name is LaMont Jordan and he'd like 2006 back. I don't know what that means. Anyway, that makes two running backs in the top 10. Technically, two is not nearly enough and leads me to say two simple four letter words and one three letter word in the form of a phrase: What the fuck!

Let's not panic quite yet. Maybe if we expand the search to the top 20. Surely, a plethora of R and B's will be waiting just around the corner. Oh, hello Marion Barber the third (13), Adrian Peterson (16), Joseph Addai (18) and Ronnie Brown (19), where are the rest of your friends? What? Seriously, just four of you? Damn, I made a reservation for eight. Son of a bitch! But at least everyone took these guys in the first round right? With the exception of Joseph and Ronnie, maybe not, huh? Double son of a bitch!

I'll be honest. Like mom, I saw this day coming. Ever since the invention of the pass back in 19...whatever it was, running the ball was destined to become extinct. Let's face it, running backs are old technology. The times have surpassed them with taller, faster, more effective forms of ball transportation. It's like my middle school travel soccer coach told us, trying to get us to pass the ball, "the ball can move quicker than you can."

Today's society won't put up with a slow moving ball. Therefore, running backs, for all intents and purposes, have become obsolete. So I blame society for the fact that I have a team thats running back situation consists of the following:

Shaun Alexander
Derrick Ward
Vernand Morency
Sammy Morris

At this point, all I can do is hope and pray: 1) that no one else gets injured, 2) that Derrick Ward retains his job as the primary back in New York, whether he gets the goal line carries or not, 3) that Vernand comes back strong - not this week because he's matched up against a tough Viking's D - sometime in the future and 4) that I never have to use Sammy Morris.

It's twelve o' four, I'm drunk and I've missed my deadline. Fuck it. I'm out (for the night, not permanently).

And I Saith Unto Zion

"Ask and you shall receive, my children", thus saith Calitri unto the downtrodden, "Take heart, for at least this week, you shall have a 'Studs' list that actually make sense due to the foresight and wherewithal of Ron in conjunction with my iron fist. "

It appears Ron has taken my advice in his latest sit/start column. As my current "A", number one recommended guy, go check it out. I have a good feeling about his picks this week. Not to mention, you don't have any thing else to do, considering everyone else's rankings and predictions come out no earlier than noon tomorrow. So do yourself a favor, stop staring at the waiver wire praying that viable running back pixelates before your eyes and go read up on some useful fantasy knowledge. God knows you need it now more than ever.

Ron Anish's Sit/Start over at Fantasy Sharks: here

Sidenote: Is anyone else - besides Jeremy, who happened to beat me last week and usurp my rightful place in the championship - in a Yahoo! fantasy baseball league? Either their game tracker is completely on the fritz or there's a ghost in my machine. Everything's going bat shit. The Cleveland vs. Seattle game has been in the top of the seventh for thirty minutes with "undefined" at bat and two outs. No shit it's hard to get him out, he's undefined! It's starting to really creep me out. By the way, the O's may suck but Nick Markakis is the bees knees. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Review: The Whole Bunch - Week 3

A wise man, one much smarter than myself, once said of fantasy teams, "After week three, you'll know where ye be." It's a novel little rhyme and one that holds a good bit of truth. Why else would the fantasy masses be burning up the waiver wire this week - myself included? Like Dustin Diamond, I've got nothing and I'm searching for a nut. So, in lieu of my normal reviews, I've decide take a look at how my guru's have performed over the first weeks of the fledgling season. However, I still graded everyone like normal and I'll put up the breakdowns for each guy at the end of the post.

Overall Grades:

Brad Evans - D (1.1)
Jamey Eisenberg - C+ (2.5)
Ron Anish - C+ (2.4)


As you may have guessed be now, Ray likes him some awards. Let's hand some out, shall we.

The Britney (Displaying complete ineptitude in every aspect of life - or in our case, fantasy football)


And the Britney goes too...Brad Evans. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give him a rousing round of applause. Let's hope he doesn't kill two kids, hit a minivan and put on fishnet stocking while making his way to the stage.

He already owns the worst call ever award, which I'm dubbing The Lil Bush (TM). And, just as the Golden Globes often predict the Academy Awards, he was pretty much a shoe in to win. His performance in week 3 did nothing to change things. Five F's this week and five last week translate to only one thing, don't listen to Brad unless you're trying to kill your team. I'm begging you, your team's begging you, even your proctologist is begging you not to read Brad's column before setting your lineup. His flames have been lame and his lames have either gone off or were so damn obvious you already knew. Brad's incoherent and unintelligent ramblings have been of no use to the fantasy football world, I award him minimal points and may God have mercy on his soul.

The Kramer (For being the epitome of unpredictability)


Again, the award goes to Brad Evans. Man, he's really cleaning up here in the early going.

Brad's high grade came in week one when he racked up a gaudy 2.2 grade. Week three's 1.1 gives him a told separation of 1.1, which is the biggest swing of the three gurus. Really, if you look at the graph (once I get it up) he's trending down quite smoothly, like the back half of a parabola or some form of the exponential function I've long since forgotten. The zero that everyone has for week 4 - since it hasn't happened yet - looks almost right for him. Could he really go that low? We can only hope. That way I can write him off completely like half the players on my teams, most notably Deuce McAllister. Let me take a minute here to thank Deuce for all he's done for me. I now no longer have to worry about whether to start him or not. He did the only he could have, short of performing, to make my decision easier. I hope you have fun on the waiver wire the rest of the season and trust I'll never be drafting you again. I'm not bitter at all. Really. I could gush on but Karabell's already said everything I could ever want and more in his blog yesterday, Sept. 25th. Check it out if you have ESPN Insider.

The Cesar Millan (For becoming the leader of the pack)


This one has to go Ron Anish. He's been consistent and consistently better than the other two. In fact, up until Jamey walked on water in week 3 he's had the highest score per week. His average grade of 2.4 puts him well in front of the much maligned shit-pick twins. Every week, Ron lays some gem at our doorstep and every week, I've given his picks at least a couple A's. Again, something I can't say of the other two tards. Of course, there have also been a few times that he's pulled out and told us to look into the camera. But they've all done that and at least Ron will hand you a tissue to clean yourself up with. He's such the gentleman.

Ron's best category so far has been the running backs. He's averaging a C+ grade, being right more than half the time, which apparently is a major accomplishment. He's what I'd like to think of as average, though, in context, he's starting to look like a fucking genius.

The George (For making mediocrity fun)


Jamey, you didn't think I was going to leave your out, did you? You get this one, buddy. Some of your picks have been so stupidly outlandish yet you always end up sloughing your way back to the middle. You make 50 predictions a week and hit on 30% to 40% of them. You're only interesting when putting yourself in personally perilous situations. There's a good shot you live with your parents and killed your only girlfriend by purchasing discount envelopes in which she hoped to mail wedding invitations. You're also the only one of the three who picks kickers and team defense. Enough said.


I'll be honest, at this point I'm questioning my grading system. No one seems to be excelling like I thought they would, with mediocrity being the normal and no one particularly wanting to shine. Maybe I'm being to hard on them, my grading to strict or harsh, but I've got to hold them to a higher standard don't I? These guys get paid (I think) to make good predictions and accurately analyze. When they don't perform better than you or I, I've got to wonder. I mean, I'm still waiting for my paycheck and I don't think it's in the mail.

Take poker for example. At every final table there are a couple of amateurs, but the majority tends to be pros. You've seen the pros before; making final tables, winning bracelets and cashing out is what they do. They're not there every time, but at least they succeed every once in awhile. On the other hand, anyone with a bit of football knowledge could be doing as well as my gurus are. I've got to - and I hope they do as well - expect a little more or their existence is pointless.

That being said, I do think things will turn around in the coming weeks, at least for a couple guys. Like running backs, better scores will begin to show up. At this point, my money's on Ron. He makes a reasonable but not over the top number of picks, limiting his exposure to really getting lit up one week. And I like his format best, though he should revise his "Studs" lists for each position. Marc Bulger, Drew Brees, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson and Lee Evans are not must starts each week, at least not at this point, and how he didn't have Randy Moss as a must start preseason and still doesn't have him in the "Studs" is beyond me.

In the don't like category, I've got to take Jamey. I think week 3 was an aberration and he'll slip back to his sub 2.0 norm soon enough. Plus, it's easier for Brad to up his score quickly since he only makes 10 or 11 picks a week. One good week and he's righted the ship and heading to the front of the class. I really can't bring myself to trust either of them yet. The only guru I'm listening to right now is Karabell, mostly out of loyalty and the fact that he does a nice recap of the Sunday and Monday night games. I watch Sportscenter, like everyone else, but the 2 minute spot they give to each game doesn't really provide much info. In baseball, I resorted to box scores and game recaps online, which actually helped me get a grip on what was happening around the league. I could do that again for football, but there's no reason when Eric has compiled the important facts, along with commentary I trust, all in one place. However, when it comes to setting my lineup, the only people I'm listening to are me, myself and I. And we're not doing too bad, we've just got nothing to work with. Ah, another draft that doesn't work out and ultimately banishes my team to the seventh level of fantasy hell. It sure would be nice to be one of those team managers who doesn't have to pick up Vernand Morency as their third running back, hoping he gets healthy and plays eventually. But, alas, he is not me.

The Breakdown

Anish:
Quarterbacks: C+ (2.6)
Running Backs: C+ (2.5)
Wide Receivers: C- (1.8)
Tight Ends: C+ (2.5)

Evans:
Good Calls: 3
Bad Calls: 7

Eisenberg:
Start 'em Picks:
Start of the Week - A
QBs - B-
Running Backs - A
Wide Receivers - A+
Tight Ends - D-

Sit 'em Picks:
Sit of the Week - B+
QBs - B-
Running Backs - F
Wide Receivers - B-
Tight Ends - F

I have something in common with Shaun Alexander

Shaun Alexander is playing football with a crack in his wrist. I am writing a blog with a crack in my wrist.

Yeah, I fractured my wrist last week (OK actually a bone in my forearm). I can't imagine playing football with this; cortisone shots must be a lot stronger than the Rx my doc gave me. So just a heads up for my diehard fan(s). This week's recap is going to be shorter, mainly because I can't type a lot at once without lapsing in and out of consciousness. Look for it soon though.

Review: Brad Evans - Week 2 - Brad Crushed

I had a couple Resurrections at lunch, so if this review sucks, blame the beer.

Sometimes, the only thing that happens when we go out on a limb is the branch breaks. Brad, apparently, was pretty high in the tree because he's lying on the ground right now motionless and looking more like a pretzel than a human. I'm hoping he survives because, if not, I'm going to have to find someone else to review.

Overall Grade: C- (1.9)

He's on Fire

Last week, Brad was the definition of hit or miss. Unfortunately, he did a lot more missing than hitting. Out of eleven picks, I only considered two of them truly good.

First, he tabbed Jeff Garcia as a start. I have to be honest, I thought he was crazy when I read that. I didn't even know Jeff was starting - ok, maybe I knew but I considered him irrelevant to the fantasy scene. Either way, his prediction of 238 passing yards and 2 touchdowns and an INT was nearly right on, minus the INT. If not for Tampa Bay's opponent last week, the lowly Saints (does anyone else think they're slipping slowly back to their rightful place in the national football league?), I would have given Brad a gold star and a smiley face. Starting Jeff Garcia never crossed my mind and probably never will. Bravo, sir.

Then we have the benching of Larry Johnson; similar to the exorcism of Emily Rose expect that the main character is black. Was Johnson a lock to break out in week 2 against a stout Bear's defense? Hell no. But I believe a lot of people thought that he might be able to scratch through that wall with his nails for at least a hundred total yards. Johnson owners are waiting for a turn around, much like those with Steven Jackson, to some extent LT and others. Unfortunately, I'm not sure the day they're waiting for will ever come. Until there's some semblance of a passing game in KC, Larry might be in a bit of trouble. A nine man front is difficult for anyone to run against. As with the Jeff Garcia thing, I would have given Brad an A+ on this call, if not for the matchup.

Defining Lame

My wife may be the teacher, but I'm not sure if she's ever given this many F's in one week. I'll give you fair warning, some of the following picks are so offensive, heinous and graphic those with weaker stomaches may want to close their browsers. This is the Hostel of fantasy football.

I didn't think it could happen and yet here we are. Jamey's week 1 "Start of Week" pick of Deuce McAllister has been topped. And the winner is...Cincinnati DEF to start week 2. Let me get this out of the way first, no one predicted the blowout that happened. I'm sure there were hundreds of thousands of fantasy footballers around the country that started Cincy in their respective leagues. I'll admit, on paper it looked like a great matchup and I'm sure that's why a lot of people left them in the lineup. But to put into print, on the internet, where thousands of people have access to it, that you recommend starting Cincy, that's just plain terrible - terribly embarrassing. Brad may never recover from this one.

Lucky for him, he completely redeemed himself, Dumb and Dumber style, by predicting Braylon Edwards to have a bad game against that same Cincinnati defense. Brad, I think they're hiring at I Got Worms. Good luck.

The Breakdown

Good Calls: 5
Bad Calls: 6

Review: Jamie Eisenburg - Week 2 - They Call Me Captain Obvious

Sometimes, I wish Jamie was a dog, just so I could kick him and it wouldn't be considered assault. Other times, I wish he was a car so I could run him off a cliff into a reservior. To put it mildly Midwestern, Jamie ain't doin' so good. Maybe his alter ego for last week, Captain Obvious, can do better.

Overall Grade: 1.8

Start It Up

I've found over the years that one of the hardest things to do is pick and activate the right wide receivers. If you'd look at my current fantasy teams, you'd see that I'm horrible in this respect. And, as I indicated last week, I thought Jamie was too. But, as usual, as soon as I really start to believe in something, something else happens that complete blows my belief out of the water, leaving me back at square one without a sensible thought to my name. This week, it was Jamie's wide receiver picks.

Last week, he made some of the most horrendous, asinine picks for wide outs I've ever seen. He almost pulled out a terrible perfect on wrong picks for starting receivers. In week 2, he seems to have turned things around somehow, making a majority of correct calls. Was it a deal with the devil? Did he sell his soul to the prince of darkness for the ability to see into the future? Well, if he did, he obviously got shot changed because the rest of his picks for the other position don't reflect any kind of spiritual intervention.

A few of the highlights:
- Starting Joey Galloway, who every other guru picked to have a good day as well, and Donald Driver.
- There aren't any highlights on the sit 'em side because all Capt. Obvious did, as his name implies, was pick guys you probably wouldn't start anyway. But more on that later.
- Playing Calvin Johnson. Now this was the kind of advice we're all looking for. Calvin was someone we were unsure about and that's when we look to the guru's for their sanctimonious wisdom. Jamey made a good one here.

Sit' Em Down

Oh boy. Instead of the bad picks, of which there were many, let's first concentrate on the down right stupid picks; the picks that never needed to be made and the ones that should have never seen the soft glow of a computer screen.

Jamey's running back sit 'em list was just plain moronic. I guess making obvious picks will get you a boost in the stats at some venues, but here at the review it's a major downgrade. That's why picks like Marshawn Lynch vs. the Bears, Thomas Jones vs. Baltimore and Laurence Maroney vs. the Pats got me laughing. None were elite backs, all had terrible matchups and you probably wouldn't play any of them unless you were desperate anyway. He might as well have said that OJ Simpson or Cory Dillon was going to have a bad week. No shit, Capt. Obvious, no shit.

Same thing with the wide receivers. The average football fan and fantasy player is going to know that Ronald Curry is going to have a good week facing Denver's excellent secondary lead by the Champ. A blind man could see that Laveraneus Coles might have a tough time getting open against McAllister. And a dead fish would have known that Drew Carter, who was only targeted three times in week 1 but two were for touchdowns, might not get so lucky again. We're not morons here, Cappy, we just want some help with the fringe picks.

Returning to our regularly scheduled program, lets look at some really bad picks. Last week was all about tight ends and, of course, Captain Obvious followed his normal routine, but this time even that wasn't enough to save him. The highest scoring tight end on his start 'em list was Jason Witten with two measly points. Combine they posted a paltry 4 points and that's five guys. Conversely, two of the tight ends on his sit 'em list caught touchdowns and the lowest scoring player, Tony Gonzalez, had four points all by himself. Oh the humanity!

The Breakdown

Start 'em Picks:
Start of the Week - C
QBs - B
Running Backs - C
Wide Receivers - A
Tight Ends - F

Sit 'em Picks:
Sit of the Week - B-
QBs - D+
Running Backs - C+
Wide Receivers - B
Tight Ends - F

Review: Ron Anish - Week 2 - Ron's Gallant Gentlemen

Ron's on the cusp of something great, but every week a different thing keeps biting this guy in the ass. Last week it was the quarterbacks. This week it's the tight ends. I guess that's just the life of a shark. Things can get bity down there, according to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. Now I finally understand. At least he's not a bottom feeder yet.

Overall Grade: C+ (2.5)

The Good:

Ron righted the ship in the quarterback department this week, and yes, I will be using seaworthy metaphors every time I do his review. He's a fantasy shark, goddamn it! What the hell do you expect? Ron did an exemplary job picking his QB studs this week with only miss being the much maligned and held down by the white man Donovan McNabb. Would someone please shut him up with the racial shit already? It was tired two years ago. You don't want me to go all Martin Luther King Jr. on your ass, do you? I have a dream, too, and it's for you to shut the hell up and stop blaming the white man every time you have a bad game or lose an NFC championship. Ron benched Joey Harrington, because that's what we do with Joey and he benched Losman because that what Pittsburgh's defense has been doing to opposing quarterbacks.

Ron had a strong week picking running backs as well. He agreed with yours truly and suggested Marion Barber to start. And what do you know, we both were right. There are few things that can make me look smart, but 89 yards and 2 TD's are two of them. Also, nice job suggesting Edge to start (he has looked damn good this year hasn't he?) and Brandon Jackson to sit. The Jackson suggestion came on the thought that Morency would be back to share the carries. That obviously didn't happen and instead the game decided to spawn everyone's waiver wire darling, Mr. Wynn. But I'll give Ron a pass.

Saving the best for last, Ron, using all the wisdom a bald man could possibly muster, fearlessly suggested that Joey Galloway would have a big day. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened. Ron wasn't alone in this prediction but that doesn't diminish the excellence of it. Boy, do i wish the Saints didn't suck.

The Bad:

Tabbing Jay Culter and Trent Green to start was surely a blemish the size of small Appalachian bluff. But it was one he could cover with concealer (assuming he's gay) before a big first date with the man of his dreams (again, because he's gay). And if that man was Ahman Green (71 Rush yards, 1 TD), he'd most definitely be disappointed that Ron's idea of a fun evening consisted entirely of sitting on a bench somewhere. And maybe Dwayne Bowe would walk by and wave to Ahman, not to Ron. And Ahman would leave him to walk with Dwayne because they both caught touchdowns last week and all Ron has is a large, growing zit on his face.

The Ugly:

So now Ron's at home, dejected from being left by his supposed soul mate and the zit has grown so big it's going to pop. And when it does, what out of it should appear but a big, oozing Jason Witten, who's all gooey from a 27 yard receiver performance last week. Then, just as a sweet sense of release begins to wash over Ron, he looks down to see his ass is covered with four other pimples in the form of Ahman Green, Jericho Cotchery, Leonard Pope and Hines Ward. Some started last weekend, others were chaffed into existence by sitting on unsanded wooden benches. Either way, none are pleasant thoughts and I'm about to yack.

The Breakdown:

Quarterbacks: B- (2.8)
Running Backs: B (3.0)
Wide Recievers: C+ (2.5)
Tight Ends: C- (1.8)

The Juice ain't Loose

If they had Fantasy Football in the 1970s, I'd bet that O.J. Simpson would have been a top pick for a few years. And whoever had The Juice for the 1975 year would have probably won the championship. Dude put up LT-like numbers ... in a 14-game season!

Look at this stat line:
329 attempts, 1817 rush yards, 16 rush TD
28 receptions, 426 rec. yards, 7 rec. TDs (tied for 9th in the NFL)

He led the league in rushing four times, yard from scrimmage 3 times, rushed for 2,000 yards in a 14 game season. Won the NFL MVP in 1973. Sick.

Too bad for OJ there's not a fantasy criminal league. Double murder, kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon. He'd be a first-round pick for sure.

This week's Guru Review is dedicated to Nordberg.

The Good
Seriously. 2,200 yards from scrimmage in 14 regular season games. 23 TDs. Top of the world. Neither Eric Karabell nor Scott Engel came anywhere near reaching this high this week, but they did have some good picks in their weekly rankings. Both fellas had Carson Palmer the #2 quarteback this week. Palmer's 400-yard, 6-TD day in a loss to the Browns made him the top fantasy scorer this week. And Karabell had Steve Smith as the #1 WR this week. Smith scored 3 TDs and had 150+ yards, making him the #2 overall scorer in fantasy. Engel had Smith ranked #2, so points for him as well. Chad Johnson (Karabell 5/Engel 3) was the third leading fantasy scorer, totalling 200 yards and 2 of Palmer's TD passes.

Other big-name, highly ranked guys that Karabell and Engel hit with were RBs Frank Gore (2/3) and Fast Willie Parker (4/5). Gore tied for the second-most fantasy points among RB this week, and helped my Niners to a 2-0 start. FWP tied for fifth-most among RB with 126 yards and 2 scores. Not OJ in 1975-esque, but both guys lived upto their billing as first-round picks.

At wide receiver, Andre Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh made Karabell and Engel look smart. Johnson (9/14) and Houshmanzilly (8/11) both had 2 scores, and were in the top seven fantasy WRs this week. And after a first week with terrible tight end picks, our gurus did pretty well this week. Kellen Winslow (2/2), Todd Heap (5/4) and Antonio Gates (1/1) were the top three fantasy scoring TEs this week.

The best picks on defense this week were Chicago (1/2) and Minnesota (10/6). Engel was obviously higher on the Vikings, which paid off. Four sacks, three INTs, and two forced fumbles against the Lions adds up to some nice fantasy points for anyone who has the Purple People Eater defense.

The Bad
Don't lie. This is the most fun part. Last year in a fantasy playoff game, I was facing a guy who had LT and Carson Palmer. Going into a MNF game, I was only up by about 4 points, and my opponent had Palmer playing. No TDs, a couple INTs, and less than 200 yards passing later, I was moving on (and won the league title). When big names underperform, there's only one person that gets upset: that player's owner.

So sorry if you had any of these megastars this week.

The number 1 overall pick sure hasn't lived upto it yet. LaDanian Tomlinson (1/1) had tough week against a pissed off New England Defense. LT scored the same amount of points as Najeh Davenport, and less than Mewelde Moore. Never thought you'd see that. I understand the point that you start your studs every week, but Karabell and Engel knew he was on the road against a tough defense. It's not a crime to rank LT as the #2 or #3 RB for a week.

Steven Jackson (6/2) isn't backing up his 2,500-yard goal. He added 96 yards this week, and was outscored in fantasy leagues by Sammy Morris. Reggie Bush (11/12) and Maurice Jones-Drew (10/14) also killed owners who took them high in drafts this year. Neither had a TD, and both had less than 75 yards of offense. And both are in a system with a second strong RB (Duece McAllister, Fred Taylor). It will be interesting to see how it plays out the rest of the year.

The poised (and over-paid) prognosticators had a tough week predicting wide receivers. Tory Holt (6/6), Marvin Harrison (2/1), Larry Fitzgerald (16/7), and Lee Evans (14/8) were all predicted to be in the top 15 WRs this week. None were. Obviously Engel took it on the chin a bit more, as he ranked all four in the top 8. None of these guys scored more points than Marty Booker or Roydell Williams. But all are fantasy studs who you really should start every week.

Drew Brees (3/3) had a second traight crappy fantasy week. This guy was a top 3 fantasy QB before the season and hasn't performed anywhere close to that this year. Less points this week than Kyle Boller. Less points this season than Jason Campbell. With his weapons on offense, he has to improve, right?

The Ugly
Two words: double murder. OJ was acquitted, but wasn't able to find the real killer on a Florida golf course, and apparently he wasn't hiding in a Vegas hotel room.

Two more words: Derek Anderson. One week ago Anderson was the backup QB on the Browns, and this week he lit up the Cincy defense for 300 yards, five touchdowns, and was the #2 fantasy scoring QB. But he didn't even make the top 25 fantasy QB list for Engel and Karabell.

Ranking the Cincinnati defense in the top 10 really bit our gurus in the ass. Braylon Edwards (23/28), Jamal Lewis (28/31), and Joe Jurevicious (not in top 50) all blew up and put up great fantasy days. That tends to happen in a game with 96 points and 1,000 yards of offense.

Outside of Cleveland, our fearless forecasters had some other gaffes. Marion Barber III (18/22) had a nice little day, and was tied for the second-most fantasy points among RB. He outscored high draft picks like Westbrook, Parker, Addai, and Alexander. Randy Moss (13/16) had a second consecutive strong week, and is the #3 fantasy WR so far this season, points wise. Wonder how many he has to string together to get some love.

Gunslingers Brett Favre (15/15) and Jeff Garcia (24/19) also outdid predictions and were the fourth and eight highest scoring fantasy QBs this week. Favre is capable of a huge week any week, but can also destroy your fantasy team with a 1 TD, 3 INT performance at any point.

Rounding out the huge misses in week two were WR Jericho Cotchery (31/34) who had 165 receiving yards and outscored Terrell Owens, Roy Williams, and Donald Driver. The Houston Texans defense once again had a huge day, even though Eric Karabell ranked them as the #30 defense in the NFL. You'd think a week after being the #2 fantasy scoring D, they'd get a LITTLE love, but no. Nothing.

And no shock here. Once again our gurus totally botched picking kickers. The top three scoring kickers this week? Phil Dawson, Jeff Reed, Nick Folk. Karabell and Engel both had Reed ranked in the top 10, but the other two didn't crack the top 20. I'll say it again, picking kickers is a crapshoot. Don't waste a draft pick on them. Ever.

This week's grades:
Karabell C
Engel D

See you next week.

DK's Question of the Week

Questions for the week

Part 1 - Should I drop D.J. Hackett?
Part 2 - and pick up one of the following WR? or just leave the stop open for bye week pickups?

Shaun McDonald
Joe Jurevicius
Jason Avant
Roydell Williams
Bobby Engram
Dennis Northcutt
Mike Furrey
John Broussard

My Answer

Who's the hell is D.J. Hackett? Are you sure he's a player? Yahoo! says he's got seven receiving yards, but it also gave me 10 rushing yards and as far as I know, I've been sitting on the couch most Sundays. In fact, it seems, though DJ lost no weight this week, he was named the biggest loser of all time and the show has been permanently canceled. Continuing after D.J. simply seemed futile.

Obviously, I'm not too high on Mr. Hackett. He's the number three receiver just in front of Bobby Engram who seems to get a lot of looks and catch a lot of balls for being a number four (10 targets, 8 receptions). Even with Darrell Jackson having left for San Fran, he still won't get enough chances - he's only been targeted twice this year - to be a viable bye week filler much less a starting wide out or flex. Personally, I'd ditch him.

As far as who, out of the list, I like; I'd take a look at Shaun McDonald, Mike Furrey and Joe Jurevicius. Shaun and Mike pose an interesting dilemma because they're on the same team. The depth chart for Detroit lists Mike as the number two and Shaun as the number three, but really, what's in a number? It all boils down to which one Jon Kitna is more comfortable with. So far, they've gotten similar looks and receptions with only a touchdown by Shaun separating them. Basically, they're the same guy. I'd like to think the year of familiarity Mike has with Jon and the system will end up winning and he'll come out on top, but there's no guarantees.

Joe, on the other, has been a productive fantasy player, though inconsistent at best. Maybe Derek Anderson can keep it up. Joe's a number one, and I say that with a bit of smirk considering that he lines up next to Braylon Edwards, on a team without many options other options. Combine the facts, bake it at 350 degrees for 30 minutes and what will come out of the oven is decent bye week filler. There aren't any starters on the list, at least not yet, but I don't you'll be disappointed with Joe.

Review: Jamey Eisenberg - Week 1 - Ouch

I saved the worst for last, though the last should have come much sooner. I must therefore apologize for my tardiness in getting everyone graded for the first week. Apparently, the beach and wireless internet aren't on speaking terms at the moment - some might argue they never were. But enough of the excuses, on to the incontrovertible(ha!) Jamey.

Overall Grade: C- (1.7)

Start It Up

Finding a good call for Jamey was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And, now having done it, I'm expecting the congressional medal of honor to be delivered to my house no later than noon, tomorrow. Seriously, this dude had a pretty shitty week. I hope he didn't do any sports betting or else he's probably broke and wrong.

The only prediction Jamey made that qualifies as something a five year old wouldn't have known was giving Lee Evans a Sit 'em designation. Even though the last time Lee faced Denver he was held to two catches for five yards - a feat he amazingly duplicated this year - I thought he'd at least be serviceable this go around. It seems that better company around him and a QB with a years more experience wasn't enough to overcome his ineptitude. There's your one shining moment, Jamey. Feel free to bask.

Sit 'em Down

So many...where to begin...there's too many...they're coming at me from every angle...can't take it anymore...I must succumb.

Let me put it this way, Deuce McAllister was his start of the week. If that's not a swift kick in the junk, then I don't know what is. Good God man, could you be more wrong *said in a Chandler voice*? Wow, just simply wow. I don't even know what to say. It's like making fun of a retarded kid, you know you shouldn't but it's so hard not to. I'm not sure I want to reserve my place in hell quite yet. I'm moving on.

The reason Deuce looks so upset in his NFL stock photo must be because he listened to Jamey when trying to decide on his starting QB. Maybe Jamey told him to put Matt Leinart in and bench Jon Kitna. Possibly, Jamey advised him to start Steve McNair (his week one sleeper) instead of Carson Palmer (his week one bust. I know I couldn't believe it either). I think you get the picture. Until further notice, when setting your lineup and you scroll over the QB position, do not look to Jamey for advice and save yourself some time and a fist full of hair. Trust me.

We already know how running backs went, so let's take a look at the wide receivers; maybe we'll find some jewels there. Oops, just as I thought, all coal and middle fingers. However, Jamey does have one seemingly outer-worldly ability when it comes to the wideouts. Anyone he names, whether in the start 'em or sit 'em category does horribly. Therefore, the lesson we'll take away is if Jamey mentions a wide receiver that you have on your team, don't start them. You'd also be wise to stop reading Jamey's column after WR's as his picks for TE were even worse. Out of his four Start 'em picks (Shockey, McMichael, Daniels and Martin), not one of them put up more than a couple points and none caught a touchdown. I feel gross now. Actually, we may have to modify the rule to say if Jamey mentions any of your players, don't start them, but I'll give it another week. See breakdown for explanation why.

The Breakdown

Start 'em Picks:
Start of the Week - F
QBs - D-
Running Backs - C
Wide Receivers - D-
Tight Ends - F

Sit 'em Picks:
Sit of the Week - B
QBs - C
Running Backs - B+
Wide Receivers - B
Tight Ends - C

Dazed and Confused

"I was out of it. I didn't know anything. I lost coherence," Kitna said. "It's one of those things, you shouldn't even been able to go back in the game, but it went back to normal and cleared up like it never happened."


Does that mean he was incoherent (much like this quote) or was he trying to say consciousness? And I didn't know that "you", and by you I'm assuming the reader, played in the game. Congratulations! I heard you did well.

I think the Lion's medical staff may want to reevaluate.

Review: Brad Evans - Week 1 - Brad's Playground

We'll Brad, at least your enough of a man to admit when you're wrong. If you haven't taken a look at the backlash from Week 1's Flames and Lames, check out his week 2 predictions. Ouch. People can be harsh, that's all I'm going to say. I, being the objective third party observer, will be more lenient. Brad's not going to be perfect and here at the review, I'd like to think we don't expect him to be. We're a "most of the time" group, not looking for the next messiah.

Overall Grade: C (2.2)

He's on Fire

Giving credit where credit's due is just as important as kicking someone while they're down. So, Brad, here's your credit buddy. I hope it makes up for the death threats.

Predicting Eli Manning to be a fantasy flamer, err flame, was a call my grandmother could have made. There was history there, a track record of success that was easy to trace. Was it clear that he'd have as productive a week as he did, scoring in the thirties under most formats? Well, I didn't think he'd match his career vs. the boys touchdowns and interceptions, but there was always a chance. I'll give Brad a nice call on that one but nothing out of the ordinary.

Brad's one great accomplishment, the one and only call he could really hang his hat on this week, came in the form of Lamont Jordon. A back that had been shunned in most drafts and taken by unwilling team managers who probably felt their hands were forced when making the pick, begins a season supposedly filled with question marks with a big fat exclamation point. 70 rush yards, 89 receiving yards and a touchdown later, you're looking a legitimate fantasy starter and a smiling Brad Evans. On a side note, Jordan owners have to be feeling good about Lamont's involvement in the passing game. We all knew he was capable - see two years ago - but after last year, I think most felt like he was something of an unknown quantity. The picture is becoming clearer, no?

Defining Lame

If Brad really was smiling about that Lamont Jordan call, I'm pretty sure that smile turned upside in a hurry when he checked the rest of the stat lines. Some of his calls turned out so bad, I'm crying as I type this. Seriously, they're difficult to look at much less digest and analyze.

DeAngelo Williams to break out? I don't think five points really qualifies as a break out. More accurately, it should be termed a break down. Marshawn Lynch to bust? The only thing he was busting was the heads of the Denver defensive linemen for 4.7 yards/rush average. Throw in a touchdown and you've got a pretty complete 15 point fantasy day. Brad, if you had only switched the two, you would have looked like a genius.

I'm making up an award. Brad is going to be the first recipient. I call it, the Flop of the Week, presented to the guru who makes a truly inept prediction (he's going to have to share with Jamey this week but they can file it under duel ownership). All I can say is I've seen pancakes with less flop than calling for Adrian Peterson to bust week one. He was only the top scoring fantasy back for the week! It's tough to be that far off, even if you're trying.

The Breakdown

Good Calls: 4
Bad Calls: 7

Swiiiiiing, and a miss

Yeah "Talented" Mr. Roto ... you said you loved the Bengals defense. Know who else loved them?

The Browns offense. Jamal Lewis. Braylon Edwards. Kellen Winslow.

51 points. Enjoy collecting your ESPN paycheck.

Review: Fantasy Sharks - Week 1

Oh yeah, baby. I've found my bitch. He came floating to the top of the tank, belly up. Allow me to introduce my newest whipping boy, Ron Anish. I know I said that I'd take the Sharks as a school but this dude is doing a Start/Bench list every week, which fits nicely into the mold of my other gurus.

Let's get to it!

Overall Grade: C+(2.3)

The Good:

Sometimes you just don't know about a guy. You're trying to read the signs for all they're worth but they contradict, adding up to nothing more than a jumbled mess. This was how I felt about Tony Romo; that is, until Sunday night. It's those kind of ray of light performances that make you aware of the possibilities. Apparently, Ron saw the light well before I did because he was on top of this one from the start. Well done Ron! Well done.

Before the season, I labeled Travis Henry a bust. I'm not going to turn tail and run now but he did look awfully good against the Bills. Again, Ron was right on it. He also warned of the dangers of starting Jamal Lewis. Of course, living in Baltimore, I'm well aware of the danger, but it was nice of him to let the rest of the country in on this little secret: Jamal Lewis sucks. If you have him on your team, I pity you. I really do.

Ron had some trouble picking winners in the wide receiver category, but don't we all? In total, my starting receivers combine for a total of 20 points; that's three teams all starting at least two wideouts. Receivers are just so damn hit and miss I can't really blame him, though he is supposedly an expert. Conversely, his picks of Santana Moss and Vincent Jackson as sits was impressive. All I heard about all preseason was, "Vincent Jackson the sleeper, Vincent Jackson the sleeper". And I guess they were right, he was sleeping. All 28 receiving yards of sawing Z's. In fact, he was such a none factor in the game, he started putting me to sleep. It also could have been the 12 beers. Scholars maintain the answer was lost long ago.

With all the big tight ends, Antonio Gate excepted, laying eggs this past week, finding a viable player to fill the position in a sea of mediocrity was a challenge, even for the most experienced deep waiver wire diver. You probably played your main guy, like Gonzalez or Heap or Cooley, netting you a paltry two to four fantasy points. If only you had listened to Ron because everything he says on the subject turned to gold. Most notably his Jason Witten prediction. Bravo, sir. I'll be honest, I didn't listen. I had Witten sitting on the bench in one league and now it's become increasingly hard to type with my right hand constantly punching my groin.

The Bad and the Ugly:

Normally this would be two separate sections but I had a hard time separating Ron's bad calls from his ugly ones, so I combine them.

There's always a flip side isn't there. Many times, at the height of our revelries, we get knocked down farther and faster than we ever thought possible. Maybe Ron wasn't ecstatic about his picks, not at the height of his game, but I'm sure he didn't see the hit coming. If he had, he wouldn't have made the picks, right?

Like removing a band-aid, the best way to get through something pain is to do it quickly. With that in mind, here's a quick list of the bad calls, ignoring the top tier guys that everyone fucked up on:

Guys who should have never started
1. Steve McNair
2. Maurice Jones-Drew
3. Mark Clayton
4. Reggie Brown

Guys who should have never been benched
1. Jay Cutler
2. Marshawn Lynch
3. Calvin Johnson

It looked bad for some of the big name quarterbacks in week one, without a doubt. Brees blew, McNabb looked rusty, Bulger lost a tackle and panicked and Young looked pedestrian. However, it looks worse when all those guys are on your fantasy studs, must start list. No one could have foreseen the Pace thing and Young never has good games against Jacksonville, meaning he shouldn't have even been on the list. But, is it possible that he also underrated a few defenses - mainly Indy and Green Bay?

Speaking of misplacing value. Apparently, Ron really thought the Raider's defense was for real, sitting or not mentioning all of the Detroit players. An assertion I never really bought into. And what do you know, the Raider's defense stunk like a festering pile of crap on a hot summer day. It's not just Ron. Everyone thought the Raider's defense would be better. I'm betting the gurus start to change their tune with the predictions this week.

The biggest thing I took away from Ron's predictions was that maybe quarterbacks and wide receivers just aren't his thing. Everyone has strengths and weakness. I'll keep track of it and let you know.

The Breakdown:

Quarterbacks: D+ (1.3)
Running Backs: C+ (2.6)
Wide Recievers: C+ (2.3)
Tight Ends: B (3.1)

Editors Note: I'll post the other two review I owe tomorrow. I've got the day off of work so I should have plenty of time for the fun of blogging.

Sticking the Neck Out

I used to think Dan was bright. In fact, I counted him as one of the smartest people I know; that is, until today. Dan, in a monumental blunder, actually asked me for fantasy football advice. Like who to play this week kind of advice. And, as much as I've espoused to be no expert when it comes to this type of thing, Dan was relentless with his one email. Seriously, he would not be placated, his email was still sitting in my inbox every time I checked. A great man once said, "A friend in need is a pest", but I can't just leave him high and dry, right? So here's the question and my response. And when it turns out that my advice was total crap, I'll quit life and become a goat herder along the shores of New Guinea.

Dan's question:

Who from the following should I play this week at running back?

1. Willie Parker (obvious yes - unless he dies this week)
2. Marion Barber III, LenDale White, Chris Brown, or Brandon Jacobs (injuries screw me over in the first week, what the hell?)

or

Brandon Jacobs? - hold till recovery or waste of roster.

My answer:

1. Like you said, you're going to play Willie. He's a number one and must start every week, especially the way the Steeler's offense looked in preseason and the first game.

2. Jacobs is out for the next three to five, so he's automatically on your bench. Don't get rid of him, though. Five weeks does not a fantasy season make and the sprained MCL shouldn't have any lasting effects. Derrick Ward looked good filling in and I picked him up in a couple leagues just to keep him off other people's rosters, but I don't think he's any threat to take over.

3. Out of the rest of your guys, I think you've got to play the matchups. Marion plays Miami and Chris and LenDale play Indy. Neither contest looks too good in the running back department but I'd have to go with Marion. Miami's defense gave up 400 total yards last week to a questionable Redskin offense, 191 of which were on the ground. With the playmakers Dallas has on offense, they're going to put up some points, translating into at least a few goal line opportunities for Barber as well as a few other carries here and there. Should be enough to net him 60 to 70 yards and a score. Indy's D on the other hand looked great, quick and sure-tackling, meaning I'm going to stay way until they show some cracks.


Being a New Guinea goat herder is going to suck hard. Damn it!

P.S. Jeremy, any thoughts on the subject (the question not goat herding)? Also, if anyone would like to comment, on anything, feel free. That's why the comment section is there.

1) Get Chris Brown ... 2) Don't forget to breathe

The "Talented" Mr Roto, Matthew Berry, has some amazing fantasy advice this week. Pick up a running back who averaged 9+ yards per carry last week. Because odds are, this guy is sitting on your waiver wire 2 days after he put up 175 yards and looks like he'll be the main back in Tennessee this year. Another player you should get, according to Berry, is WR Ronald Curry (133 yards, 1 TD). Berry is obviously capitalizing on the new trend in fantasy football, where players get added to a team after they have a good week.

While you're at it, grab Rudi Johnson and Peyton Manning if they are available. Matthew Berry thinks they could be good this year.

The List

Jeremy, being the responsible one, has already put up his review for this week. I doubt Jeremy spent five hours in an overheating truck today attempting to make his way in and out of the concrete and column prison known as DC. I also doubt he spent what little remained of the daylight hours standing inside sweltering mechanical rooms drawing ductwork and piping for the man. Oh, wait. That's right! That was my day and now I'm tired and whiny which means I'm turning a little black like Kanye. But those aren't even the excuses why I'm not doing my review today. My real excuse is that I have all my research at work and I didn't stop by on my way home from DC to pick it up. I should have stuck with the whiny bitch thing, shouldn't I have?

So, instead, I figured I'd treat another open festering sore and give you the final list of gurus we'll be reviewing this year, now with extra cool picture linking goodness. Without further ado, here it is:

1. Eric Karabell - The lovable and easier to look at than some others who shall not be named face of ESPN's Fantasy Football department. If available, he'd like to take you sister to prom.



2. Scott Engel - He's no looker like Karabell but someone, somewhere thinks he knows something about football. We're currently still looking for that person. We'll keep you abreast of any major breakthroughs. On a more personal note, he thinks you'd look good bald.



3. Jamey Eisenburg - Jamey would ask that you please ignore the homosexual spelling of his first name and concentrate on the issues. Always the consummate professional, that's why we love Jamey. Jamey, Jamey Jamey.



4. Brad Evans - Brad enjoys the simple things in life, like making fun of white people and peeing without using his hands. He's seen a football once and, to quote his grandmother, "He enjoyed it very much." Around the office he's known as Mr. Exclusive or Exclusive. I can never remember which.



5. The Fantasy Shark Guys - Unlike many of their cousins within the genus, these sharks prefer to swim in schools, hunt in packs and play mahjong on Friday nights. Because of their shear absurdity in number, we'll take them as a group collective. All these fantasy guys look the same to me anyway. Pictured below is the king fish - I'm told there government's the derivative of a limited autocracy.




There you have it. If you want us to review anyone else, too bad. This shit's already turning into too much work (just kidding, kind of). Five seems like a good number. I'm sticking with it. And before I forget, check out Jeremy's review below. He's good.

Anybody else feel like this list resembles something out of a high school yearbook or the Sunday obituary?

1 week down ... Gimme More

Sunday number one is officially in the books. And man, what a Sunday it was. Odds are you've already read plenty about it, but what good is having a blog if I don't get to chime in as well on such a huge day in history.

Britney Spears is back.

OK so maybe that has little to do with fantasy football. But big deal. Some things are bigger than fantasy football (expecting a fat Britney joke here? Too bad). As a mom of two, and just a few months removed from shaving her head, she could have looked a lot worse. Now let's see how her new album sounds.

This week's review is dedicated to the former Mrs. Federline.

The Good
Think Britney in her Toxic video. Doing exactly what you get paid to do. In Britney's case, look hot and put out a catchy song. In Eric Karabell and Scott Engel's cases, hit the nail on the head in their fantasy football predictions. It's pretty easy to put Peyton Manning and LaDanian Tomlinson at the top of the rankings at their respective positions. And it's no surprise that Peyton was the #3 scoring QB and LT was the #4 scoring RB (even against a tough Bears defense that shut him down in the first half).

Props to Karabell for putting Shawn Alexander fifth in his rankings (Engel had him 10th). Alexander scored the same number of points as LT and helped me stay alive through week one of Survival Football. Plaxico Burruss (#13 Karabell/#15 Engel) shed his Plexi-Glass moniker at least for this week, and was one of the last Giants standing after his 100-yard, 3-TD night in primetime. And Terrell Owens (4/3) showed once again that you can be a cancer in the clubhouse, but be a stud in fantasy.

At tight end, both Karabell and Engel went out on a limb and put Antonio Gates at #1. It paid off, as he was the #2 scoring TE this week. This was really the lone bright spot for the gurus at this position. And at team defense, the "let's put Baltimore and Chicago 1-2" plan backfired. But the gurus did do well predicting Minnesota (8/6) and San Diego (4/5) would have good weeks. The two teams ranked 1 and 6 in scoring this week.

The Bad
Britney walking out of a gas station restroom without any shoes on. Just a sign that things are a little crazy, but not full-out nuts just yet. There's room for improvement. So these are players who were ranked high, had bad weeks, but will likely rebound and be ranked near the top of our guru's predictions in the coming weeks.

It all started Thursday night, about 72 hours before Britney took the stage in Vegas. Drew Brees, ranked #2 by both Karabell and Engel, took the field against an Indianapolis defense who had lost three starters from their Super Bowl squad. Looked like a safe and smart pick, right? Less than 200 yards, 2 picks and a fumble lost later ... we found out that it wasn't so smart. But with his weapons, Brees has to bounce back. Ditto for Reggie Bush (10/8). Under 50 combined yards and no scores won't cut it for a guy that many owners (including myself) took in the first three rounds.

Outside of the Big Easy, some other highly ranked big names had bad days. Steven Jackson (2/2) and the second overall pick in most leagues, totalled 61 yards and lost two fumbles. Only needs to average 163 yards per game over the next 15, and he'll hit the 2,500 total yards he is shooting for. But with Orlando Pace going down for the season, Jackson's numbers could take a hit (along with Bulger, Holt, and other Ram players). And Larry Johnson (3/3) combined for less than 100 yards and no scores in KC's loss to the Texans.

Tight ends proved to be a big swing and a miss for our Bristol-based gurus. Tony Gonzalez (2/2) and Todd Heap (4/5) combined for 57 yards - the same amount Eric Johnson (not ranked in top 25) had by himself. By the way ... with the offense that New Orleans is going to put up this year, grab Johnson if he's still available. I don't think this week was a fluke. Chris Cooley (6/6) and Vernon Davis (7/4) also had terrible weeks.

On the defensive side of the ball, Denver managed to stink it up fantasy wise in a win against Buffalo. After being ranked 9th by both gurus, they finished the week ranked 24 in fantasy scoring. With Dre Bly and Champ Baily at corner, along with some serious talent at D-Line and linebacker, Denver should improve and score more sacks and INTs in the coming weeks.

Let's just hope none of these players go off and do something crazy like marry a backup dancer.

The Ugly
You wake up one morning, are surfing around on the internet, and see a story that Britney Spears shaved her head in a salon the night before. You had an inkling something crazy might happen, but didn't really expect it. We'll devote this section to low-ranked guys who are names you should know, but had a week that was tough to predict - unless you make a living predicting those kinds of things.

I don't imagine that Adrian Peterson (Minn.) woke up this past weekend, logged onto ESPN.com and saw that Eric Karabell had him ranked as the #37 running back option in fantasy football. Something like that probably wouldn't serve as motivation for a high draft pick who had a successful college career toting the rock. But maybe he did. Peterson was the #1 scoring running back this week, totalling 160+ yards and a score. Scott Engel ranked Peterson at #23, in case you were wondering. Two other running backs who busted out with big weeks were LaMont Jordan (29/30) and Chris Brown (42/39). Both were top-five scoring RBs for the week.

Another rookie who got no love from Karabell was WR Calvin Johnson. Not ranked in the top 50, all the former GT standout did was put up 70 yards and a score, totalling as many fantasy points as Tory Holt. Again, give a little credit to Engel, he had CJ ranked at #38. Other pass catchers who had nice days despite low predictions: Randy Moss (yes, that Randy Moss) who was ranked 26 and 33 by Karabell and Engel, respectively. Moss was the #2 scoring WR in fantasy this week. And Ronald Curry (46/41) scored more fantasy points than Steve Smith, Chad Johnson, or Marvin Harrison this week.

Jason Witten (14/15) was ranked in the middle of the pack by our gurus, behind such fantasy stars as Owen Daniels and Daniel Graham. The #1 fantasy scoring tight end, Witten had a 100+ yard day and added a touchdown for the Cowboys.

As I detailed earlier this week, picking a kicker week to week is a semi-crap shoot. Thanks NFL kickers for proving my point. While top-ranked Adam Vinatieri was the #4 kicker this week, he was topped by Jason Hanson (15/18), Lawrence Tynes (not ranked), and Mason Crosby (NR/19).

Finally, two teams came out of nowhere to have strong fantasy weeks defensively. First off, the Cincinnati Bengals (15/19). Who Dey? The #3 fantasy scoring defense this week, that's who. Even more surprising were the Houston Texans. Ranked 20 and 30 by Karabell and Engel, respectively, the Texans, led by Mario Williams' 2 sacks and a fumble recovery, were the #2 scoring fantasy defense in the league this week. Can either of these teams keep it up and become a real threat in fantasy and in the NFL? We'll have to wait for Karabell and Engel's week 2 rankings to see.

This week's grades:
Karabell D+
Engel D

And in another instance where things are bigger than fantasy football - doctors are optimistic that Kevin Everett will be able to walk again. As a Buffalo Bills fan, and a football fan, this is great news. You hate to see serious injuries occur to anyone on any team. Hopefully Everett has a full and speedy recovery.

World Turns Upside Down

I know what you're thinking, and trust me, I'm thinking the same. But let's be reasonable, remove our collective hands from the red button that will jettison our woeful fantasy team back into cyberspace never to be seen again and take a second to conduct a true inventory of what we've got. You also may want to resume breathing now.

As if some things couldn't get more muddled than they already are, this weekend's games came along and opened up a brand new can of worms. Injuries are one thing. They're unavoidable, always untimely and have killed many a fantasy team in the past. But that's why we build depth, especially at running back and QB, right? For those of you with Brandon Jacobs, Cadillac or Chester Taylor (probably not starting on your team anyway) I hope that's the case.

I think the biggest surprises this week were the winners and busts. Like the beginning of a new year in grade school, those first days of unfamiliarity you stuck to what and who you knew. You put the big name players in your starting lineup thinking they'll surely be passable while holding out hope for bigger things. Unfortunately, that probably means there was a plethora of points scattered around your bench this week. In one league I had Chris Brown, Jake Delhomme and Jason Witten sitting on the bench. Ignoring tonight's doubleheader, they've outscored my entire starting lineup. Doesn't that shit just make you sick? Ugh.

The world seems to have turned on its axis most noticeably in the realm of the running back. A whole bunch of second and third tier backs did absolutely nothing; from Maroney to Reggie and Ronnie and Benson to Jones-Drew. All a person can do is ask themselves why? It's way too early to be giving up on them and couple you may even go after as buy low prospects but you know that at least a few of these guys are going to continue the trend they started in week one and suck all year long. I call it Cadillac Syndrome. Then you've got the really confusing guys. The Steven Jackson's and Larry Johnson's of the world. Maybe we shouldn't be trusting RBs who's last name starts with "J". I don't know, but I'm open to explanations. I can't be positive about this, but 58 rushing yards, along with 3 receiving yards and two fumbles, is not what most people spent a number two pick on. Didn't he say he was going to run for 2,500 yards this year or some other nonsense? As Rick Ricardo would say, "You got some 'splaining to do!" And Johnson - oh Mr. Johnson - is this the kind of 43 rushing 44 receiving yard performance were going to get out of you this year? If the Chiefs only had a passing game or a line or a defense or wide receivers or a team.

Then you've got the good surprises, though I doubt most took advantage of them. If you had told me Chris Brown was going to rush for a career high 175 yards against a seemingly stout Jacksonville defense, I probably would have ordered you a straight jacket. If you had told me that Adrian Peterson, rookie running back, would be the number one back in all of fantasy football after the first week, again excluding tonight's games, I might have kicked you in the junk for saying something so preposterous. And yet, here we are. So what now? First, hit your waiver wire and pick these guys up if they happen to still be there along with Derrick Ward, who should be starting in New York for the foreseeable future. They may not continue to perform at current levels, but they'll certainly be useful in most leagues. As I see it, with a few more 100 yard games for Peterson, he might claim Minnesota's running back spot outright, whether Chester comes back healthy or not.

On tap: Look for my first rating of the gurus to come out tomorrow. I've started gathering the evidence and, just as I thought, there were some monumentally poor calls but also a few very good ones. Tomorrow, we discuss.

Recapitulating

Aside from the game, which I don't have to ask about, did anyone else think last night's opening festivities blew goat balls?

First of all, Mellencamp looks like an AIDS victim who's losing the fight. Either that, or a creepy guy who sits outside of elementary schools and waits for the kids to be let out. One of the two. The only thing I know for sure is that he sucks. Only one thing could have sucked more than the Mellencamp number; getting Faith Hill to sing her last "hit" from a decade ago and then asking her to record the opening night theme song.

...Wait. They did that, didn't they?

Jesus, was that an abomination. The pregame song is always some of the most insane, asinine, incoherent dribble ever written by the hand of man. But this year took the cake and things to the next level. I honestly missed kickoff because I had to turn the channel and force myself to throw up the bottle of pills I had just swallowed. Using the word painful to describe that pre-recorded number doesn't close to do it justice. Christ, I'd rather watch a snuff film then suffer through that shit again. Asking who in their right mind actually likes that lyrical upchuck is useless. I already know; they've been bring the rest of us sane human beings down for years. Fuck you middle America.

I'm not even going to get into the halftime show because it's only going to make me mad.

However, I will get into the game, even though it will probably also make me mad.

First, what the hell happened to the Saint's offense. They were offensive, I'll give them that. It looked like they'd forgotten everything that made them so good last year. For one, getting Deuce 10 rushes is simply inexcusable. The dude is a work horse. He going to need more touches and they weren't unrushably down until the middle of second half. The number one thing and best way to beat the Colts is ball control. Keep the ball out of Manning's hands and you have a shot. The best way to control the clock is to run the ball. If so, fact-o, I'm your boss. It's really not that complicated.

Second, the cover two is about as simple a defensive formation as a team can run. If you can't figure it out, you probably shouldn't be coaching the NFL. One, you run the ball. Two, you send either a slot receiver or tight end up the middle, straight down the seem. Three, you overload one side with trips or other bunch formations and force them to shift their setup. The cover two can be an effective defense, as exhibited last night, but it can also be exploited. All it takes is an ounce of common sense. There should be passes longer than 6 yards to be had but your probably going to have to put more than two wideouts on the field at a time to do it. Sad plan, sad execution, sad effort, sad all around by the New Orleans offense.

Just one more then I'll get off the Saint's ass. It's getting all red and puffy anyway. I'm not sure who turned Reggie Bush into a small white woman but would they please turn her back for the sake of all fantasy coaches out there. Seriously, was he going for his best Jamal Lewis impression? Because I have to tell you, he didn't have the pitter patter of little feet down quite well enough. In the tentative category, however, he scored a ten. A fucking 10! I give her a fucking 10! He ran with such indecisiveness, it's unfathomable. A guy with his talents shouldn't be running into the back of his blockers or tip-toeing around the outside of the line or dropping easy passes. And the part that baffles me the most is they kept forcing him the ball. Getting him more involved in the offense is one thing but putting him in situations where he's destined to fail, all for the sake of getting him touches, will do nothing but kill his confidence and the team's chance of winning. Stop forcing the ball to him and use him as God intended, Sean! Damn.

There's not much to say about the Super Bowl champs. The came ready to play. Manning and company were spectacular, aside from Reggie dropping the ball, literally. I don't think their defense is as good as the Saints made them look. The first time they face a team with an NFL offense I think you'll see what they're really worth. I do wish I had drafted Joseph Addai for at least one, if not all, of my teams. He's going to be a fucking beast. He's the new Old Edge. I'm just happy I didn't play anyone with him this week.

Kick It Off Right

With nary two short hours before kickoff, I find myself in a bit of a malaise. Is it possible that I'm hung over on football already? Couldn't be. That would somehow imply that I stopped at any point long enough to sober up, which of course is something I haven't remotely done. I can tell that if I had the displeasure of running one of the leagues I'm in - the unenviable position I found myself in last year and Jeremy finds himself in this year - you wouldn't be reading my words right now. Instead, the loquacious writing of an AP beat copy jockey would be summarizing an emergency situation involving myself, a goat, a tall building and Little Richard. Lets just say if I'm going down, I'm taking them with me.

My prayer is that by kickoff and a couple dozen beers I'll be feeling like my vibrant self again. As a side note, during that same prayer I add that nailing down our guru's to review by tomorrow would be peachy keen. God, being his usual apathetic self, will completely ignore my prayer and in an act of biased punishment simultaneously relieve me of my manhood and this website of any felicitous functionality.

Barring any unforeseeable interruptions or distractions, I should have a list of hot seat names by tomorrow. I'll post them as soon as I can along with corresponding studio-shot and posed photos of each guru. 'Cause these guys are a real dish to look at. And because I'm going to use their floating heads to spice up a graph. But that's my secret project; don't tell anyone.

We, along with Rhodes scholar and overall devilishly handsome Alex, are working on getting a banner together for the website. Once it's out, and trust me you'll know, feel free to download it and put it up on your myspace pages, facebook profiles, websites, ect. We're trying to get the word out so more than a small group of people know how much Jeremy and I suck.

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but The Shin's new album Wincing the Night Away is really good, though a bit different from the rest of their stuff. In fact, just listening to it has put me in a better mood.

Win Eric Karabell's dart board!

To go along with his August 30 blog (ESPN Insider link), Eric Karabell should have included a picture of himself drinking Keystone Ice and chucking darts at a dartboard with Sean Salisbury's face on it. Karabell himself admits that ranking kickers especially is a crapshoot, but hey they have to fill space and give ESPN Insider's their money's worth.

There are basically 3 mindsets when drafting kickers:
A) Draft a 'name' kicker - Adam Vinatieri, Scott Norwood, Jason Elam, etc. Hey, these guys make big kicks when it matters (except Norwood), get on Sportscenter, and win Super Bowls. Except none of that matters in fantasy football.
2) Try to pick a bad team and get their kicker. Cleveland isn't going to score many touchdowns, so let's get Phil Dawson and we'll rack up the field goals! Sure, in a perfect world, the Browns would lose every game 49-12. Or it could backfire and you would lose all the PATs that a kicker on a good team would have.
iii) Don't draft a kicker. This was my method in 2/3 of my drafts this year. I'd rather grab a 6th wide receiver in the draft, and drop someone in favor of a kicker right before I set my weekly lineup. At least this way I have insurance on my roster in case of a preseason injury, or I can package players in a trade proposal. Not going to see many trades where a kicker is the headliner of a trade.

One last point. Don't be the guy who says "I'm not drafting a kicker until the last round." Because you won't wait. Someone will draft Shayne Graham or Robbie Gould in the 11th or 12th round, starting a run on kickers, and you'll jump right in. You know its going to happen.

Coming tomorrow: Turf toe, and how it impacts my fantasy right tackle rankings

Christmas Come Early

Please, take a moment and do this for me. It's quick, I promise. Take your right or left hand, it doesn't matter which, and, with your pointer and middle finger extended, slowly bring that hand towards your neck. Now, place those two fingers gently on your neck, just below your jaw about half way between your chin and ear. You should feel a quick bump, bump, bump at one hundred and twenty beats a minute or more. If you don't feel anything, you're probably dead - sorry. If you feel a slow, steady beating you may not be human and you're definitely not American. I think you already know why my heart is beating like a jack hammer twenty four seven and you're right. The greatest spectacle in all of sports begins its season this Thursday. Football, my friends, is rightly and truly back!

I doubt I've anticipated a season more than this one. For sure I've never been as involved with all things fantasy football like I am this season. Two pick'em league, one survivor league, three fantasy teams and this blog all shift into a six month high gear burn out with the flick of a light switch. The waiting has been killing me. I've been up nights, pacing endlessly back and forth, worrying about Cedric Benson's chances to break 1,000 yards this season. I haven't gotten a thing done at work - not that I would have anyway - because I'm not convinced Matt Hasselbeck is going to return to top tier status. Soon, it'll all be revealed and I'll have my answers.

The first weekend of the football season reminds me of Christmas. You wait angst riddled months for it. You plan incessantly about what or in this case who you're going to get. Thursday night might as well be a chilly morning on December 25th. I'll finally get to see what I really got inside those nice, carefully wrapped packages. It's our first chance to take true measure of the guys on our team. You know someone's going to be disappointed. Someone's going to get something they didn't expect, in a bad way. Just like someone's going to find the golden ticket laying in their lap. Some are going to get exactly what they wanted or expected and they'll feel all warm and happy inside. Some are going to want to immediately exchange what they got.

The only sure thing is that these pretty packages are going to begin to show their colors. All anyone can do at thing point is hope that, for being a good girl or boy all year, they picked the right presents.