Review: The Whole Bunch - Week 3

A wise man, one much smarter than myself, once said of fantasy teams, "After week three, you'll know where ye be." It's a novel little rhyme and one that holds a good bit of truth. Why else would the fantasy masses be burning up the waiver wire this week - myself included? Like Dustin Diamond, I've got nothing and I'm searching for a nut. So, in lieu of my normal reviews, I've decide take a look at how my guru's have performed over the first weeks of the fledgling season. However, I still graded everyone like normal and I'll put up the breakdowns for each guy at the end of the post.

Overall Grades:

Brad Evans - D (1.1)
Jamey Eisenberg - C+ (2.5)
Ron Anish - C+ (2.4)


As you may have guessed be now, Ray likes him some awards. Let's hand some out, shall we.

The Britney (Displaying complete ineptitude in every aspect of life - or in our case, fantasy football)


And the Britney goes too...Brad Evans. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give him a rousing round of applause. Let's hope he doesn't kill two kids, hit a minivan and put on fishnet stocking while making his way to the stage.

He already owns the worst call ever award, which I'm dubbing The Lil Bush (TM). And, just as the Golden Globes often predict the Academy Awards, he was pretty much a shoe in to win. His performance in week 3 did nothing to change things. Five F's this week and five last week translate to only one thing, don't listen to Brad unless you're trying to kill your team. I'm begging you, your team's begging you, even your proctologist is begging you not to read Brad's column before setting your lineup. His flames have been lame and his lames have either gone off or were so damn obvious you already knew. Brad's incoherent and unintelligent ramblings have been of no use to the fantasy football world, I award him minimal points and may God have mercy on his soul.

The Kramer (For being the epitome of unpredictability)


Again, the award goes to Brad Evans. Man, he's really cleaning up here in the early going.

Brad's high grade came in week one when he racked up a gaudy 2.2 grade. Week three's 1.1 gives him a told separation of 1.1, which is the biggest swing of the three gurus. Really, if you look at the graph (once I get it up) he's trending down quite smoothly, like the back half of a parabola or some form of the exponential function I've long since forgotten. The zero that everyone has for week 4 - since it hasn't happened yet - looks almost right for him. Could he really go that low? We can only hope. That way I can write him off completely like half the players on my teams, most notably Deuce McAllister. Let me take a minute here to thank Deuce for all he's done for me. I now no longer have to worry about whether to start him or not. He did the only he could have, short of performing, to make my decision easier. I hope you have fun on the waiver wire the rest of the season and trust I'll never be drafting you again. I'm not bitter at all. Really. I could gush on but Karabell's already said everything I could ever want and more in his blog yesterday, Sept. 25th. Check it out if you have ESPN Insider.

The Cesar Millan (For becoming the leader of the pack)


This one has to go Ron Anish. He's been consistent and consistently better than the other two. In fact, up until Jamey walked on water in week 3 he's had the highest score per week. His average grade of 2.4 puts him well in front of the much maligned shit-pick twins. Every week, Ron lays some gem at our doorstep and every week, I've given his picks at least a couple A's. Again, something I can't say of the other two tards. Of course, there have also been a few times that he's pulled out and told us to look into the camera. But they've all done that and at least Ron will hand you a tissue to clean yourself up with. He's such the gentleman.

Ron's best category so far has been the running backs. He's averaging a C+ grade, being right more than half the time, which apparently is a major accomplishment. He's what I'd like to think of as average, though, in context, he's starting to look like a fucking genius.

The George (For making mediocrity fun)


Jamey, you didn't think I was going to leave your out, did you? You get this one, buddy. Some of your picks have been so stupidly outlandish yet you always end up sloughing your way back to the middle. You make 50 predictions a week and hit on 30% to 40% of them. You're only interesting when putting yourself in personally perilous situations. There's a good shot you live with your parents and killed your only girlfriend by purchasing discount envelopes in which she hoped to mail wedding invitations. You're also the only one of the three who picks kickers and team defense. Enough said.


I'll be honest, at this point I'm questioning my grading system. No one seems to be excelling like I thought they would, with mediocrity being the normal and no one particularly wanting to shine. Maybe I'm being to hard on them, my grading to strict or harsh, but I've got to hold them to a higher standard don't I? These guys get paid (I think) to make good predictions and accurately analyze. When they don't perform better than you or I, I've got to wonder. I mean, I'm still waiting for my paycheck and I don't think it's in the mail.

Take poker for example. At every final table there are a couple of amateurs, but the majority tends to be pros. You've seen the pros before; making final tables, winning bracelets and cashing out is what they do. They're not there every time, but at least they succeed every once in awhile. On the other hand, anyone with a bit of football knowledge could be doing as well as my gurus are. I've got to - and I hope they do as well - expect a little more or their existence is pointless.

That being said, I do think things will turn around in the coming weeks, at least for a couple guys. Like running backs, better scores will begin to show up. At this point, my money's on Ron. He makes a reasonable but not over the top number of picks, limiting his exposure to really getting lit up one week. And I like his format best, though he should revise his "Studs" lists for each position. Marc Bulger, Drew Brees, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson and Lee Evans are not must starts each week, at least not at this point, and how he didn't have Randy Moss as a must start preseason and still doesn't have him in the "Studs" is beyond me.

In the don't like category, I've got to take Jamey. I think week 3 was an aberration and he'll slip back to his sub 2.0 norm soon enough. Plus, it's easier for Brad to up his score quickly since he only makes 10 or 11 picks a week. One good week and he's righted the ship and heading to the front of the class. I really can't bring myself to trust either of them yet. The only guru I'm listening to right now is Karabell, mostly out of loyalty and the fact that he does a nice recap of the Sunday and Monday night games. I watch Sportscenter, like everyone else, but the 2 minute spot they give to each game doesn't really provide much info. In baseball, I resorted to box scores and game recaps online, which actually helped me get a grip on what was happening around the league. I could do that again for football, but there's no reason when Eric has compiled the important facts, along with commentary I trust, all in one place. However, when it comes to setting my lineup, the only people I'm listening to are me, myself and I. And we're not doing too bad, we've just got nothing to work with. Ah, another draft that doesn't work out and ultimately banishes my team to the seventh level of fantasy hell. It sure would be nice to be one of those team managers who doesn't have to pick up Vernand Morency as their third running back, hoping he gets healthy and plays eventually. But, alas, he is not me.

The Breakdown

Anish:
Quarterbacks: C+ (2.6)
Running Backs: C+ (2.5)
Wide Receivers: C- (1.8)
Tight Ends: C+ (2.5)

Evans:
Good Calls: 3
Bad Calls: 7

Eisenberg:
Start 'em Picks:
Start of the Week - A
QBs - B-
Running Backs - A
Wide Receivers - A+
Tight Ends - D-

Sit 'em Picks:
Sit of the Week - B+
QBs - B-
Running Backs - F
Wide Receivers - B-
Tight Ends - F