When I was a kid, something like 6 or 7, my mom used to sing me a bedtime song at it went something like this:
Where have all the running backs gone, long time passing?
Where have all the running backs gone, long time ago?
Where have all the running backs gone?
Gone to graveyards, everyone.
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Oh, when will they ever learn?
Ok, so maybe it didn't go exactly that way, but I was a little kid. I can't be expected to quote every word my mother said verbatim.
Either way, she was right and way ahead of her time; some twenty years in fact. So, what the hell is going on this year? My mom foresaw the problem, but what's the resolution?
If you're in a Yahoo! league, head over and sort the list of players by fantasy points. If you're not in a Yahoo! league, I'm sorry, I don't know what kind of system they have set up to view stats but I'm sure they have something. What you'll see when you do is nothing short of laughable. In standard scoring leagues, Tony Romo is the top fantasy points earner. I know you saw all this coming, but me, I'm a little awestruck. Furthermore, scrolling down, the first running back you come to is Brain Westbrook, occupying the fifth spot. I like Brian, he's good at what he does and my mother was briefly going to name me Brian but changed her mind. We've got a lot in common, most notably that neither of us should be the top fantasy running back. And yet, Brian seems to want to defy convention.
Continuing our little running back safari, we find the next rock hauler sitting at number 10. He said his name is LaMont Jordan and he'd like 2006 back. I don't know what that means. Anyway, that makes two running backs in the top 10. Technically, two is not nearly enough and leads me to say two simple four letter words and one three letter word in the form of a phrase: What the fuck!
Let's not panic quite yet. Maybe if we expand the search to the top 20. Surely, a plethora of R and B's will be waiting just around the corner. Oh, hello Marion Barber the third (13), Adrian Peterson (16), Joseph Addai (18) and Ronnie Brown (19), where are the rest of your friends? What? Seriously, just four of you? Damn, I made a reservation for eight. Son of a bitch! But at least everyone took these guys in the first round right? With the exception of Joseph and Ronnie, maybe not, huh? Double son of a bitch!
I'll be honest. Like mom, I saw this day coming. Ever since the invention of the pass back in 19...whatever it was, running the ball was destined to become extinct. Let's face it, running backs are old technology. The times have surpassed them with taller, faster, more effective forms of ball transportation. It's like my middle school travel soccer coach told us, trying to get us to pass the ball, "the ball can move quicker than you can."
Today's society won't put up with a slow moving ball. Therefore, running backs, for all intents and purposes, have become obsolete. So I blame society for the fact that I have a team thats running back situation consists of the following:
Shaun Alexander
Derrick Ward
Vernand Morency
Sammy Morris
At this point, all I can do is hope and pray: 1) that no one else gets injured, 2) that Derrick Ward retains his job as the primary back in New York, whether he gets the goal line carries or not, 3) that Vernand comes back strong - not this week because he's matched up against a tough Viking's D - sometime in the future and 4) that I never have to use Sammy Morris.
It's twelve o' four, I'm drunk and I've missed my deadline. Fuck it. I'm out (for the night, not permanently).
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