Last post was a bit of a rant, so I've decided to liven things up and put on a cheerful face in light of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. And in that spirit I decided to make a list of the fantasy football goings on I'm most thankful for to date this year.1) Injures - Of 16 draft picks in a certain Yahoo! league this year, 8 dealt with injures of varying degrees thus far. Some were season ending like Deuce McAllister and some were just a few weeks, like Deion Branch, Alge Crumpler, Shaun Alexander, Marc Bulger and Ben Watson. Still others lost there starting spots like Chester Taylor. Yet all fucked me over in their own regard. I understand injuries are part of the game but this year's been insufferably ridiculous. Hopefully I've got it all out of my team's systems. I'm sick of playing Mike Furrey and Kyle Boller.
2) Shitting the Bed - I want to take the time to personally thank Frank Gore, Shaun Alexander, Marvin Harrison, Marc Bulger, Drew Brees, Steven Jackson and Larry Johnson. Whether I drafted you or not, you've all had a huge impact on making this year one of the most fucked up on record. Thanks for being high draft picks and rewarding your owners with absolutely jack shit. Thanks for taking the the draft spots that we might have used on Tom Brady or Randy Moss. Thanks for proverbially ripping our nuts off and shoving them down our collective throats. Thanks for not pulling any punches and screwing us from the very beginning. Thanks for making our hopes fleeting, not building us up for the inevitable fall and keeping us firmly planted on rock bottom. You all deserve the congressional medal of honor for sucking ass. I just want you to know, like the girlfriend that cheated on us in high school, we'll never trust you again.
3) Brian Billick - Thanks for being the biggest douchbag in NFL coaching-dumb. If Dr. Seuss had written a children's story about you it would have been called The Prick Who Stole Christmas. Thanks for being all the self-righteous pompous asshole you could be. I know its hard work looking like a moron all the time, but thanks to your tireless efforts, you've effectively run a once proud superbowl winning team into the ever-loving shithole. Thanks for blaming the media for all your short comings, for being an offensive genius and for sticking your thumb up ass of every Baltimore Ravens fan. When the prince of darkness comes to collect your soul, I hope he's anything but gentle.
4) Eric Karabell - We've been together for years. I've turned to you for advice in times of need and you've never asked a thing of me. For all intents and purposes, from my point of view, it was the perfect relationship. That was until I read your preseason advice not to worry about wide receiver in the draft, to build depth at running back and work from there. Of all the years I could have listened to you, this had to be the one. The fucking year ruled by the wide out. What the fuck was I thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? Christ almighty, you couldn't have been more wrong. Now I've got don't-kill-yourself books on my coffee table and sure they're not mine but I might have glanced at them. Hillbilly! White trash!
5) Draft Strategy - I might as well have saved my time researching players and teams and putting all the info into spreadsheets and cheatsheats. I could have been doing something more productive like punching myself repeatedly in the groin or giving my manhood a jacob's ladder. I'm glad I drafted all those piece of shit running backs like Cedric Benson. What else would I have to curse myself later about? Next year my preparation will consist of shitting in my hand and making fecal cave paintings on the draft room walls.
6)Bullshit Trades - I want to take a moment to thank all those people that made a bonehead trade this year, since as of the trade deadline tomorrow you won't be able to make anymore. And I'm not talking about trades that didn't work out because of one thing or the other. I'm talking the heinous trades people make where you click on them and think to yourself, What kind of brain damaged mongoloid proposed this ludicrousness. Before we forget, let's not fail to mention the idiots that let these things go through. Everyone has their own opinions on trades but sometimes you'll see something that even Lindsay Lohan would know wasn't kosher like the dick she just got off.
7) My Gut - Although I haven't failed too often in giving others advice, when it comes to listening to my own instincts I've sucked balls this year. I've been wrong in drafting and setting my lineups this more times than I care to admit. In the immortal words of John Cusack's character Rob in High Fidelity, "I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains". As for what to do about that, I'm still working on it.
8) All our Fantasy Gurus - You have to be thankful for them because they've been so damn accurate up to this point. I'm sure you're all winning your leagues thanks to there infallible predictions. I sure as shit know that I am and I owe it all to their immaculate skills. Napoleon Dynamite would be proud.
Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!
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