Review: Anish and Eisenberg - Week 5 - Together Again

In a effort to conserve time, something I seem to have less and less of these days, I'm going to review Ron and Jamey together this week. I don't plan on continuing this way, but I need to catch up.

As much joy as I glean from highlighting our guru's triumphant accomplishments, I've found the real pleasure comes when shedding light on their phenomenal mistakes. Therefore, in that vain, this review will not step foot into the light, but rather thrive in the dark inner workings of our guru's twisted minds. Minds, which seem to have shared bad ideas, through some kind of mind meld or telepathy, this week. If you thought misery loved company before, consider week 5 your indisputable proof.

In order to exorcise the demons, we must name them, one by one, in order of least to most offensive.

Demon 1: The Starting of Brandon Marshall

If you were counting on Baby T.O. to put up some numbers while Javon Walker rested his 80-year-old man's knee with a cadaver tendon in it, your weren't alone. On the dark and stormy night our guru's made their picks, they too tabbed this ill-fated wide receiver to perform admirably. They crowned him with a starting title and sent him on his way, never realizing what destruction their creation was about to unleash on an unsuspecting fantasy world. Long story short, Brandon turned out to be a killer, not of any of my teams but maybe one of yours? Were you left contorted on the kitchen floor, frozen in a gut-wrenching state of eye-bulging agony?

Demon 2: Bowetergist

So you think you made the right moves, picked up the right people and set the best starting lineup possible based on what you read from our gurus. Then, just as you're getting settled in your favorite comfy couch or chair to watch some football, you find out that your lineup was actually built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground and there's a rookie stuck in your TV who should have been in your starting lineup. As your lineup implodes in a brilliant flash of light, you can't stop staring at the blur on the TV that is Dwayne Bowe on his way to 70 receiving yards and a useful fantasy day. In the end, you're left with nothing but a hole in the earth where your team used to be and slime all over your face.
Demon 3: Resident Donald Leevil

Zombies are really hard to stop. Especially when they're reanimated dead people. That was, until know. I've found the cure or the answer if you will. In order to put anything down - dead, undead or other - just get Ron and Jamey to start them. Like they did this week with Donald Lee. Seriously, Lee had at least four catches in each game, weeks 2-4. Then Ron and Jamey caught wind of him and bam! he can't do shit. It's like these guys are the mark of death or something and are using it to completely fuck the rest of us up. If the Umbrella Corporation had known about these guys, they could have saved themselves a lot of time and money.

Demon 4: Culterie

Sometime, because of the past, we convince ourselves that a guy might go crazy, seemingly with superhuman powers, and slay his opposition, leaving defense destruction and a high fantasy score in their wake. When that guy is a quarterback, it can be doubly sweet, since in standard leagues you only get to start one. Jay had a good matchup vs. San Diego. Hell, San Diego hadn't stopped anyone through the air all year. All the signs pointed to a start and our gurus bit hook, line and sinker. They gave the green light and we may or may not have taken it. But, just as things aren't always as they appear, the promising prospect of Jay's big day turned into dismal demise. Maybe this was a case where the past was blinding and they ignored some subtle but telltale signs. Like the fact that a defense that ranked high last year and retained its primary components might wake up against an inexperienced quarterback without his favorite weapon.

Demon 5: Dawn of the Rivers

In this version, our heroes are actually the zombies and the monster is their benching of Phillip Rivers. In case you didn't know, he was the top QB for week 5, putting up 27 fantasy points, including 3 touchdowns. If you're anything like me, that's as many touchdowns as your entire team had. Because of this pick, the only things dead at dawn Monday morning were about a million fantasy teams. If you benched Rivers here, I feel so so sorry for you. Not that he was a guaranteed lock, stock and barrel start but nothing irks me more than leaving points on the bench. Just thinking about it makes me want to kill a couple of zombies. Now where'd I leave the shovel?

If you've ever tried writing something while simultaneously watching Ed Norton take it in the ass from a big musclebound white guy, you know how distracting it can be. Hopefully this review doesn't reflect that. I'm going to curl up in a corner now. Thanks a lot American History X.